The Treadmill

For some reason, odd things happen to me on the treadmill.

First of all, the loudest and clearest I have ever heard God speak to me was while I was running on my parent’s treadmill in St. Louis.

It was so strong that it forced me to the ground, where I would continue to stay for the next thirty minutes.  What was supposed to be a casual run in the beginning turned out to be one of the most profound moments in my life.

 I think God likes to make extraordinary moments out of ordinary days.

The next interesting thing that happened to me on a treadmill was after I moved to Nashville.

I was running at the gym when this old man came up to me and asked, “What are you running from?”

I didn’t end up on the floor, (thank goodness because that would have looked really strange to everyone around), but his statement forced me to take a more honest look at myself.

I didn’t want to admit that I was still in need of healing.

Just because I wasn’t purging or starving myself didn’t mean that I wasn’t still holding onto the idol of image.
I realized that I cared, and if I can be honest, still care a great deal, about image.
While my soul knows the truth, that my identity is not in what I weigh, the color of my hair, the brand of my clothes, the “Miss or Mrs. ” in front of my name, my mind still wants to believe that it is. It is a constant struggle.

I was also running from myself.

I still didn’t love myself. Oh yes, I knew, and still know that God loves me and I am His prized possession (we all are), however, I didn’t like who I was.

I saw all my wrongs, my failures and continued to hold them against me.
I didn’t have the faith I thought God wanted me to have.
All I wanted was to make God proud and I felt as if I had failed.

Felt. That is the key word.
It wasn’t the truth, but my feelings convinced me it was.

I believe that God reveals different areas in our life at different moments.

He knew that it was time for me to see how idols were still controlling my life.
He knew that it was time for me to meet myself, the good things as well as the bad things, and learn to start to see myself as He does.

Then, lo and behold, the other day I had another *drum roll please* treadmill moment.

I had finished my work-out on the treadmill when the man next to me said, “Do you wear a heart monitor?”

At first I was a little offended.

I am 31, not 71. I am in good shape. I have run half marathons. I don’t need a heart monitor.
My ego was hurt. My pride was shot.

Then, as if the first time wasn’t offensive enough, he said it again, “Do you use the hand rail machine monitors to check it?”

Seriously?
Goodness, all I wanted was a work out, not an intervention moment.

I didn’t go buy a heart monitor that night but I did pray to God that my heart would keep beating, in case he foresaw something I wasn’t aware of.

I also started thinking of checking my heart in a more emotional, spiritual and reflective sense.

What do I want from life?
What do I want to do with my life?

What do I want?

It’s like a scene from the movie, Blue Crush, when the NFL players asks Kate Bosworth’s character, as she is leaving his ritzy party because she feels inadequate, “What do you want?”

Kate Bosworth’s character responds, “What do I want?...”  rather shockingly because no one has ever asked her what she has wanted.  She then goes on to tell Matt (the NFL love interest) what she wants. She tells him her dreams and her hopes.

For a second she lets herself go there.

So I asked myself later that night, “What are your desires? What do you want?”

There are the obvious ones, such as to get married, to have children, to have a good income, a retirement fund, to do God’s will for my life….

And then I felt a nudge, and the need to ask myself again, “Ok, what do YOU want?”

And for a moment, I went there…

I want to write a song. A great song. A song that changes someone’s life. A song that makes a difference.

I want to sing.  I want to sing confidentially, because I know I can. I want to sing because God has given me that talent and I haven’t given it the chance it deserves because of comparison and fear.

 I want to write. I want to write blogs and I want to write books.  I want to write words and pieces that encourage other people. I want to write in a way which is vulnerable and risky, but honest. I want to share my thoughts because I think I could help some people. 

My story isn’t perfect, but my ability to see my shortcomings, mistakes, strengths and moments of brevity can speak hope into others lives.

I want to make a dent in history, a mark on this planet.

I don’t need to be known by a lot of people, I just need to make known to someone the greatness and goodness of our God.

That is what I want.

So, I ask you…“What do you want?"