In a Relationship: Yes
With Who: God
Relationships Status: "It's Complicated"
"It's Complicated". Very complicated. In fact, it changes on a regular basis.
Some days are better than others. Some days I can sense God everywhere around me and my faith is steady and firm. Other days, my faith seems to be non existent and I seem to question what I even believe.
Ephesians 4:14 says "then you will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind".
Some days…I am a infant.
It doesn't matter if I read the Bible 100 times a day, listen to worship music 24/7, go to church every Sunday and even get my degree in Ministry. Some days faith it hard.
Just the other week I was on my knees crying out to God, questioning everything I believed. Does God even exist? Does God even care about my situation? Do I even believe in Jesus?
I know this seems ridiculous but it's the truth. Just because you are in Ministry does not exempt you from fighting doubt.
But…if we are all honest, sometimes it's hard to believe.
It's hard to believe when God doesn't show up. It's hard to believe when we get bad news. It's hard to believe when we always seem to be stuck circling around the same mountain for 10, 20, even 40 years.
Like any single young women who longs to be married before 35, I want a relationship. In fact, since this is all about honesty, I believe I deserve a relationship.
I can understand why I didn't have one before when I was stuck in the addiction. I was a mess and couldn't handle a relationship. But now, I am free and I am healthy(not to mean that you can't have a relationships if you are fighting a battle. I just knew myself and knew I couldn't have one).
So why do I remain always the bridesmaid and never the bride?
What is worse is that I am the only one in my family not married (and soon to probably be the only one without kids).
God says that He is enough. He is better than any relationship or any guy I could ever find on this Earth. Why will I not let Him be enough?
So I continue to throw pity parties and ask Him why He has not held up His end of the deal (this imaginary deal I have created in my mind).
These are the issues that make my relationships complicating with God. When He doesn't appear to be pulling through, I struggle at even opening my Bible.
But God knows my struggle. God knows my fears and my doubts. He knows my desires and He knows when it is hard for me to have faith that He will come through. He doesn't judge, rather He loves me through it. He knows that at the end of the day, I will always come running back to Him because it is the only place I can go. He knows that I will fall right back into His arms when this life is too much for me to handle. My doubt doesn't bother Him and He can definitely handle my pity parties.
"Where can I flee from your presence.If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, If I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast" (Psalms 138:7-10)
God knows it can be complicating.
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