I've Made you to Sing

ENDURE

Endure. This is exactly what I needed to hear this morning. 

Last night, I was close to quitting the one thing that I knew I needed to be doing. Music. 

Many of you who know me know I don't sing in front of people. I am painfully shy in this area. I used to not even open my mouth at church during worship because I didn't want anyone to hear me ( I have gotten a little bit better in this area). 

You would never know that I used to be comfortable on stage and in front of the light. You would never know that in high school, I used to perform in musicals and singing competitions. You would never know that I used to want to pursue music. 

All that changed when the eating disorder took control of my life. I stopped performing. I stopped pursuing music. I stopped singing. In fact, I would not sing a single note in front of people for the next 10 years of my life. 

What I did do the next 10 years was write. 

I started journaling  and writing poems every single day. I didn't talk about what I was feeling, I wrote about it.  

I would give up my car, my apartment and my college degree before I would give away my journals. I never want to get rid of those because I can look back and see how far I have come. 

Two specific things happened that started me thinking about music again. The first thing was a prophecy I received. It was God telling me He was bringing something back out again of me that I had hid and locked away. The second thing was a treadmill experience. Before you start to roll your eyes and think "this girl is crazy" which you may think already…let me remind you of something. God spoke through a burning bush and a donkey..I'm pretty sure He can use anything He wants to speak to us. For me, it was a treadmill. 

I was running and going about my normal routine when TD Jakes came on the station and started preaching on direction and embracing what God has called us to do. I was half heartedly listening when at the end of the program Jakes started praying. The next thing I heard was God telling me, "I've made you to sing". I know 100% this was God. I can't tell you how I know it, but I know it. 

I started shaking and crying because I had not thought about music in such a long time. Shaking turned into crying. Crying turned into sobbing and before I knew it, I was on the floor balling my eyes out to God. 

How would I even do this? Could I even sing again? 

That was the moment I started singing again.That was the moment I started rediscovering my voice. 

 I remember going to a voice teacher and telling her, " I don't know if I can even sing still".  Surprisingly, I still could. 

Fast forward to today. 

I still don't like singing in front of people. For some reason, I feel like if I don't sound like Carrie Underwood or Natalie Grant, I shouldn't sing in public. 

I am slowly gaining confidence in my voice. This is a painful and hard process. Everyday I want to give up. I have quit so many times before…it's just what I normally do. 

So last night I had had it. I was frustrated that I couldn't get the chords I needed on the guitar. I was frustrated that I couldn't come up with the lyrics I wanted. I was tired of practicing and was tired of believing anything could come from this. 

Not that I am not trying to be the next Carrie Underwood, Natalie Grant or even have any sort of record deal. All I want is to be able to sing the words I write. All I want is to be able to get up one day in front of people and sing without fainting. 

I went to bed telling God I was done. I had tried and I had failed.  I was done. 

God wouldn't let me quit and insisted on reminding me of that this morning. 

When I opened my devotional and saw ENDURE, I knew He was speaking to me. "How many of the world's prayers have gone unanswered because my children who prayed did not endure to the end…they thought it was too late and that they must act for themselves, that I was not going to act for them". 

This could mean a hundred different things to a hundred different people. For me, it was God telling me, "Don't give up".

I may not sing in front of people for 5,8 maybe even 10 years. But what matters is I don't give up. 

So I'll continue learning guitar and becoming frustrated. I'll continue taking voice lessons and getting lectured every lesson to have more confidence in my voice. 

Who knows what music has to do in my future? Who knows what God will do with my words and my voice? 

It's not for me to figure out. He has called me to sing….So, that is what I will do. I sing and let Him deal with the rest. 

"Now to Him, who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within us" Ephesians 3:20