There was once this
girl named Jamie. Jamie desperately wanted to be and feel loved. In middle
school, she was a people pleaser because she believed that being good enough
would give her love. When that didn’t work, she lost a lot of weight and
discovered make-up, making herself more desirable to boys. When boyfriend and a
size 0 didn’t work, she thought that being more “Christian” would work. She
read the Bible every day, memorized scripture and even enrolled in college for
Ministry. When that didn’t work, she was left broken and shattered like a piece
of glass that falls to the floor.
I am Jamie in this
story and Jamie is a lot of you.
If I can be honest (and if its too honest, well, stop reading), I am worn out. I keep placing these unattainable standards
on my life all for the sake of wanting to be loved. If I can just study the
Bible enough, I will finally be loved by God. If I do enough for EBTV, I will
be loved by God. If I can just not complain and not gossip, He will love me
more.
God buzzes in
…Wrong answer…False…and puts a Big “X” over my lists
The truth is, there
is still a part of me that doesn’t trust Him. Sure, I can give Him my finances.
I can give Him my relationships. I can give Him my plans…but, there is still a
part of me that won’t let Him love me. And
the other day it hit me right in the face “The well is Deep” John 4:11
There is sadly a part of me that doesn't really
believe that He can satisfy the desperate need I have for love.
More than that, do I believe I deserve His love, am I even loveable? I hate writing this. Even more, I hate admitting that
there is some truth to this.
“The well is too deep”. I just don’t
think you can fix my heart Jesus. I just don’t think you can really be enough
for me. I am not sure how I am going to survive if I let you have every single
part of my heart because what if you leave. What if I let you in and you hurt me?
Even more, what if I let you in and nothing happens…nothing changes?
Memories of
rejection burned a piece of my heart that has been the hardest one to patch up.
But Jesus doesn't want to patch it up, He wants to give me a completely new heart... and He can't do that until I let Him in, all of Him.
But Jesus doesn't want to patch it up, He wants to give me a completely new heart... and He can't do that until I let Him in, all of Him.
So, maybe this is
where I start. Admitting to God (and myself) that I don’t think I am loveable.
Maybe, instead of
trying to earn my love, I sit and I wait ,I rest and I just be.
To start, I let Jesus do what He does best, heart surgery.
The pain, the tears,
the burning, the aching…it’s what He has to do in order to replace my heart of
stone with a heart of hope.
One day I will be
able to leave my water bucket at the well because I will finally see that
whatever is inside the well, I won’t even need anymore.
One day I will be
able to say 100%, not 98.5%, not even 99.9%, my God is enough for me. 
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