In the words of Kid Rock, "It was summer time in Northern Michigan".
And it was hot.
It was a day that I will never forget.
The lake house is a place of complete happiness and immense pleasure. However, that day, it was a place of deep and indescribable hurt.
It was July of 2010.
My cousins and I were out in the lake because that was the only way we could stay cool.
The girls were laying on the paddleboards and the boys were playing beersbee.
Then my aunt said it.
"I want a picture of everyone".
My heart sank.
First off, I HATE bathing suits.
Even when I was a size 0, I would opt for a sweatshirt over a bikini.
And second, I HATE pictures.
Ok, I like pictures I can manipulate and change so I look better in them. I am a fan of instagram…but this was no instagram picture. In fact, Instagram wasn't even developed yet,
Unedited picture + a bathing suit = dread.
But, what comes next was even worse.
Here it comes…from right to left..my cousin Michelle and Cole (husband/wife), my cousins Christen and Ian (husband and wife) my cousin Jennifer and Derek (girlfriend/boyfriend..now husband/wife) and then..ME.
I wanted to die.
It was nothing intentional on their parts but I wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear.
After what seemed to feel like an eternity, I got out of the water and headed for the cottage.
The only person I wanted was my mom but I couldn't find her anywhere.
I then went to the cottage across the road because I knew it would be completely empty.
I didn't even make it to the bathroom before I was on the floor.
Tears flooded my eyes and like rain drops, started hitting the hard wood floor.
I remember crying so hard I could barely catch my breath.
"Why God? Why? It's the one thing I've ever wanted. Why? Why? Why? Do you even care? Do you know that it's killing me being single?" this went on and on for a good twenty minutes…
What's ironic is that in the past if I was on the bathroom floor, it was because of bulimia.
This time, no pizza, no cheeseburger, no fries, no ice cream…no amount or kind of food was going to heal my heart.
The truth is, every since God came into my life, my life has been anything but normal.
As I look back on my life, I see that He has been stretching me and molding me through disappointments and heartbreaks.
Getting over an eating disorder was one of the hardest things I have ever struggled with. My flesh was ripped apart when everything in me wanted to eat something and then throw up. (We are being real right?)
My heart was destroyed relationship after relationship when the guy walked away.
My hope was weakened when I went through seasons where it felt like God was nowhere near.
My faith was tested when I couldn’t find a job for months upon months.
Friends have gotten married and moved on with their lives.
Christmas's are now centered around all the babies, of which none are mine.
Refrigerators are covered with family pictures…I'm still the single one to the side.
I don't write this to gain sympathy.
I write this because it's real.
I write this because I know others are going through the same exact thing or the same sort of thing.
What's the ONE THING you’ve asked God for?
Every time I feel like God has pushed me to the limit, I find He then pushes me even further.
Every time I feel like I have found stability, the floor is knocked out from under me.
Because of the Bible, I know God molds us into the person He wants. But sometimes, I'd like to raise my white flag and say,"Ok Jesus, I'm done. I give in. Just let me settle please. Just let me stay here".
The lake incident of 2010 was a stretch mark on my soul.
The 10 year eating disorder was a stretch mark on my soul.
Ever failed relationship was a stretch mark on my soul.
Every step into the unknown is a stretch mark on my soul.
The truth is that the stretch marks may not look very attractive on the outside. In fact, there are times I would love to just forget about them.
And nothing I can do will prevent them from coming.
But, without them, I wouldn’t know what it meant to persevere.
Without them, I wouldn’t know what it meant to hold on to hope, when everything in me wants to give up.
Without them, I wouldn’t have compassion for others struggling with the same sorts of thing.
Without them, I wouldn’t know the power of authenticity.
Without them, I wouldn’t know how to ask for help.
Without them, I don't know if I would know Jesus.
Here is the truth about life: We can’t escape stretch marks.
Life is always going to keep throwing you for a loop, tossing you here, pulling you there.
What we do have the power to do is to keep going, whatever happens, we keep going.
We press towards the prize.
We keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.
And above all, we continue to believe.
“God will not look you over for medals degrees or diplomas, but for scars” Elbert Hubbard
Beautiful and raw. I was brought here via the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project. Isn't it funny how the person God wants plans for us to be is messy most of the time?
ReplyDeletethank you:) yessssss...well said. Why is that so hard to accept at times? How much of our lives has been wasted on trying to hold it all together and be perfect? And yet, I know I still try (despite it being a losing battle) Thanks for commenting!
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