I'm Sensitive and I'd Like To Stay That Way

If someone runs into me, I apologize. 

If I see someone getting in trouble or yelled at, I want to take the blame.

I put my heart out on the line, despite the chance of it getting trampled on. 

I will do everything I can to keep a relationship together, even when it's destined to fail. 

Recently, I told a certain someone he wouldn't want to date me because, "I'm super sensitive, not thick-skinned,  ask a lot of questions, and need a lot of reassurance…I'm a lot".

Talk about sabotaging a relationship before it can even start.

And then came his response…

He said, "I like that about you".

To which  I sarcastically said, "Lol, which part?

He said, "All of it."

I have always looked at my sensitivity and apologetic nature as flaws. 

I turn into a 4 year old if anyone raises their voice to me and I want to crawl in the fetal position if someone starts yelling. 

And if you know me well, you know that I absolutely hate confrontation.

Just this past week, I experienced a not so fun conversation that didn't end well. It was a no win situation between a friend and I. Both of us felt we were right, however, we both handled it in the wrong way. 

For once in my life, I stood my ground.

I didn't give in. 

I crossed my arms and shoved my heels in the ground. 

And I felt terrible.

I've been told before that I need to grow a spine  and  get tougher. 

Well here I was, toughness permeating through my veins, a strong spine holding me in place,  and all I ended up feeling  after was horrible. 

In high school I made the Varsity soccer team and was put in the defender position. 

I dreaded every game I played. 

I used to wish that I would get hurt in a game so I wouldn't have to play. 

I felt responsible for every goal that was scored. 

I was told constantly by my coaches that I needed to be more aggressive.

Looking back, I should have done cross country. 

There was also the time my counselor took me outside and told me to scream. 

She said, "Shout as loud as you can. Get mad. Get angry. Get upset".

She waited and I kept silent. 

Now, I do believe that there are times we must fight for our rights, as the Beastie Boys song says. 

There are times we must stand our ground. 

There are times we must be firm. 

But, I do believe there is something beautiful about vulnerability and sensitivity that often gets dismissed or under-recognized in our, " There's No Crying In Baseball" society. 

My flaws, as some would call them, are the very things I am learning to love about myself. 

I love that I care about people and try to not hurt their feelings. 

I love that I cry at sunsets and moons. 

I love that I feel deeply.

I love that I apologize profusely instead of saying nothing. 

I'm not perfect. 

I never will claim to be. 

There are things about myself I despise. 

I gossip.

I tell white lies so I don't hurt feelings. 

I am a pharisee. 

I am a white washed tomb, put together on the outside, full of cracks on the inside. 

And for the longest time, I despised my vulnerability and fragility. 

But not anymore, 

I don't' see them as flaws anymore.

I see them as strengths. 

Maybe the things we think are "flaws" about ourselves are the very things that make us stand out? 

Maybe our "flaws", are the things that others are drawn to?

Maybe, our, "flaws", are actually not, "flaws" at all?

I love the fact that all my friends are so different from one another. 

My strong willed friends remind me to go after what I want.

My spontaneous friends remind me to take risks, be brave, and venture into the unknown from time to time. 

My logical and analytical friends remind me that bills are important and need to be paid. 

I thank God for our differences, and I thank God for them.

Be confident in who you are.

Not who others think you should be. 

Not who you wish you could be. 

Be confident in who you are..now. 

"We are flawed creatures, all of us. Some of us think that means we should fix our flaws. But get rid of my flaws and there would be no one left" -Sarah Vowell