Tuesday at Two: Last Night: The Truth About Temptation

This may be one on the hardest blogs for me to post. If not the hardest, one of the most vulnerable.

I even prayed before posting it, asking God if it was something that He would want me to share, because there was a big part of me that didn’t want to.

But then I came to this scripture in Matthew, and I knew His answer was yes.

“What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs” Matthew 10:27

As I type this out, my hands are shaking and my heart beat is increasing.

But here goes.

Last night started out as a pretty normal night. I got off work, sat in traffic for way too long, went to the gym, came home and fixed myself dinner.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt the urge to throw up. Not the, I feel sick-fluish feeling, the bulimia kind of throw up.

My dinner was incredibly healthy so it had nothing to do with the food, eating disorders don’t usually.

But, that didn’t matter.

I sat at the kitchen table for what seemed to be 20 minutes.

I was frozen in my steps but my mind was going about a hundred times a minute.

It was a battle between my past and my present. It was a war between my heart and my soul. It was a fight between my will and my feelings.

Ultimately, I didn’t give in to the screeching voice of bulimia.

Instead I went upstairs, as far away from the bathroom as I could, and cried.

I didn’t feel victorious. I didn’t feel better.

I was mad. I wanted to give in. I wanted to not have to face my feelings. I didn’t want to think about my life or future. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I was upset with God for not letting me go down that path, just for the night.

And then I watched two videos on Facebook that made me cry even harder.

One was about the ISIS and the death of so many innocent adults and children.

The other was from someone talking about living with ALS.

Here I was, wanting to give in to a temptation that would only gratify the flesh for about 15 minutes…

And there was the rest of the world. So many people hurting and broken. Children who never got the chance to grow up. Bodies shutting down and lives being cut way too short.

My tears turned from rage and anger to sadness and pain.

I asked God to show me how I could help, how I could make a difference. I asked God to open my eyes to the bigger picture in life, beyond my room, beyond Nashville, beyond America.

I asked God to use me.

Now, if I would have given into bulimia, God wouldn’t have loved me any less. He wouldn’t have been unhappy with me. He wouldn’t have punished me for it.

For the longest time I thought recovery was going “X” amount of days without throwing up. For some, maybe it’s not having a drink, or not cutting.

That’s not recovery in my eyes anymore.

I believe recovery is getting back up every time you fall down.

And after I cried out to Him, I took out my note pad and wrote.

I didn’t know what I was even writing but the words kept coming.

I have never shared my poems or songs on my blog, but this one felt necessary.

My tears have taught me more about God’s love than any sermon or preacher ever will.

If you know how it feels to want to give in to something so bad, keep fighting.

If you give in, get back up and try again.

If you feel helpless for all the pain and suffering going on around you, you aren’t alone.

And if you feel lost, I can promise you, that you have already been found.

After I wrote it, I realized that it wasn’t my letter to God, it was God’s letter to me.

When the words don’t come,

When the music stops,

When I don’t feel near,

When you feel lost.

Surrounded by darkness,

Can’t find your way out,

You fight back tears,

You scream and shout.

Wonder where I am,

Or if I even care,

It’s not till you get silent,

That you can finally hear.

I whisper “Child, I love you”,

I’ll never leave your side,

I know it hurts and I know you’re sad,

And you want to know why.

Even when you don’t believe in me,

I believe in you,

I know you’re heart,

Better than you do.

You can let go,

Cause I’m holding on to you,

Go on and give up this fight,

I’m gonna get you through.

Cry if you must,

Shake your fists in the air,

Run away from me,

But know I am always there.

And when you can’t run anymore,

Too tired and too scared,

When you finally reach the end,

I’ll speak so you can hear.