Check Your Heart...

Jealousy. Pride. Arrogance. Envy.

I have been all four.

I was jealous when my boyfriend in college left me for a friend. 

I was prideful when I thought my looks and weight would get me a job after college. 

I was arrogant when I thought I deserved a better job because I had a college degree.

I was envious just the other day when I saw another proposal posted online.

If we are all brutally honest, I think we all struggle with these 4 ugly, ugly words.

It's very easy for me to go to church, sing the worship songs, raise my hand in agreement with the pastor and smile and hug my friends like everything is ok. Act like nothing is wrong….because this has somehow become the Christian way. 

I think it's a good thing we can't see what one another are really thinking and feeling because we would probably be very taken back if we saw what everyone was really like at times. 

Just the other day I was reading my devotional when it had me turn to 2 Corinthians 13:4…well, I accidentally turned to 1 Corinthians 13:4 (very intentional on God's part) "Love is patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude".

Now I have heard this scripture over and over…weddings…"A Walk to Remember" (only the best movie ever)…but, for the first time, I felt like God was talking right to me. 

"Check your heart Amy"

Being 30 and single is hard. Being 30 years old, still in school, still somewhat lost on what God is leading me to is also very hard. If ever the devil could make me start to doubt God's plan for my life, it would be now. If ever there was a time to start being envious of everyone around me having babies, getting promotions, getting married and so on..it would be now. If ever there was a time to not want to celebrate with my friends victories, it would be now. 

 In the age of social media (where everyone's life is better online..guaranteed) we can become very envious and jealous of others successes. We can look at what everyone has and suddenly feel like we aren't good enough. Maybe it's time to get of Facebook and get into the Word? (just a thought:))

There is something wrong with me when I can't be happy for my friend who just got her dream job. There is  something wrong with my heart when I can't be encouraged when my friend gets promoted. There is something wrong with my heart when I can't be joyful for my friends. 

So, check yourself. How well do you handle others accomplishments? How well do celebrate your friends victories? 

If we are Christians, we are CALLED to do this. 

If I can't be happy for my friends and others, then I don't really believe God is good and I must not really trust His Word when He says in Jeremiah 29:11 "I have a good plan for your life".

So, instead of letting jealousy poke it's little (and ugly) head in my life, I am challenged to really be joyful when good things happen to my friends and others, knowing that God still has a plan for my life…a GOOD plan…and He hasn't forgotten about me...or you. 

If I Only Would Have Waited

Today while I was searching through my old basket of journals and books, I found an earring that had been missing. There was nothing special about this earring. It had no significant value. It was probably one that I bought from Target months ago.

This was the earring I have been searching for for the past two weeks. However, a few days ago I got sick of looking for the missing hoop so I decided to throw the one I had away.

Today, I found the missing piece.

I was so upset with myself. Why did I not look harder? Why did I not hold onto the other earring just a little bit longer? Why..Why..Why?

You can only imagine how I get over things that are of greater value than a $10 pair of earrings…

Immediately after this incident,  I was reminded that this is often my response with God. 

"Ok God, I have waited long enough on that job to come through so I think I will go ahead and take the other one that was already offered to me". "Ok God, I have waited long enough on whoever You want me to be and I just don't think you are going to follow through, so I am just going to settle for someone who I probably shouldn't be with, but who is available". "Ok God, I have waited long enough for You to guide me with my future so I think I am just going to take it into my own hands". 

You see where I am going with this. 

All the while God is saying, "if you only knew what was ahead…if you only knew what amazing plan I have for your life….if you only knew where your decision is going to lead you….if you would have only waited.."

When we can't take the waiting anymore, we go into panic mode and find something to grab onto. We don't like how it feels to have to completely trust God. Trust me,  I know. It feels like you are on a tight rope walking over the Grand Canyon. Anxious, scared, doubtful and terrified of what will happen after each step.

But this is what God requires. 

He requires us to jump off the tight rope and into the canyon of the unknown. 

He wants us to trust Him beyond our comprehension. He wants us to trust Him when it doesn't make sense and when life doesn't look so good. He requires us to trust Him because He is God. 

Countless times I have taken the lead and have gone against God's plan for my life because I have been tired of waiting. 

It feels like I have been abandoned by God and it feels like I have been forgotten. 

It "Feels"...

Feelings lie. 

The truth is that God will never abandon me or anyone else. The truth is that God delays and makes us wait sometimes because He wants to be the One glorified. 

And when it finally happens, when you do receive the job you want, when you do meet that special someone, when the addiction is overcome, when the song gets picked up, when the prodigal daughter or son comes back home, when the marriage is put back together, when the dream comes true….the glory can only be to God. 

I am reminded of something I heard at my church. "There is a God and it isn't me".

Instead of me trying to tell God what to do with my life, why don't I listen to what God is telling me to do with mine.

Right now He is saying "Wait…..Wait…Wait…Wait…and Wait"

If I only would have waited a little longer before throwing away the earring...

Hold on. You never know what God has planned.

He Still Loves You...

Recently, I put up this photo on Facebook and had more likes than any other photo I had put up before. What this showed me was that the majority of people are either at this place now or have been at one time or another...

The place where we feel like we have disappointed God. 

I have been at this place and am currently at this place.

I haven't traveled the world, setting up orphanages, proclaiming His name ( I haven't even been on a missions trip outside the US). I haven't given everything I own away, fully confident He will meet my every need. 

The truth is, I complain over the blessings He has given me. I say the wrong things and fall way more times than I should be willing to admit. 

Not only do I think God is disappointed in me but right now I am a little disappointed in God. 

A part of me hurts every time I see a proposal on Facebook, not because I don't want the person to be happy, but that I would love to be that girl for once. I would love to be the one pursued for once…but God continues to say "wait". 

Ok God, I have done this..and that…and so I think it's time for You to come through on your side..by say, giving me a husband.

Ridiculous. 

God laughs and His heart breaks. 

Some of you may call me a terrible Christian, a hypocrite, a fake….trust me, I have called myself all these things. 

"Tell them I love them". This was what God told Joyce Meyer to preach on and she was like, "are you kidding me? they already know this"

"Tell them I love them". 

If we are honest, I think we all struggle with times when we feel like we are constantly failing God and never measuring up. We can't seem to embrace grace. We are still trying to earn our salvation and God's love. What Jesus did on the cross doesn't seem to make sense in our mind because are still striving for acceptance. 

Perhaps God is taking me to the place of complete emptiness to show me that He is the only ONE that will ever love me the way I long to be loved. 

Why don't I let Him love me? Dissapointment. 

I don't need to be a missionary for Him to call me His. I don't need to be a Christian author or speaker to finally feel accepted by Him. I don't need to be the next Nancy Alcorn for Him to tell me He is proud of me. 

If all I end up to be is a business professional, that is enough. If all I am is a struggling server, that is enough. if all I am is single, that is enough. If all I am is a mom, that is enough. 

Despite knowing this, I still want to prove to Him that I am worthy of His love.

Jesus's blood has made me as worthy as I will ever need to be. 

All Jesus is saying is, "Amy, let me love you".

Here is the truth: 

God isn't holding out from me. He can see the big picture. Just because I haven't gotten married doesn't mean it will never happen.And if for some reason I never do, there is a reason for it. 

 No matter how many times I want to turn my back on God, I just can't. 

God isn't disappointed in me. 

He sees every mistake, ever wrong thought, every wrong motive…but I am still His. 

He doesn't kick me out of Heaven because I go a little off course. 

He looks at me and says, "I will NEVER let you go, not matter how far you run, no matter how many times you try and fail, no matter how far away you feel you are. I will always love you...Simply because you are MINE".

Pizza isn't the Enemy

I remember calling my mom 4 years ago after eating pizza for the first time in a very LONG time.

You see, I thought if ate pizza, I would gain 15 pounds right off the bat. 

Pizza was the enemy and I had to do everything in my power to stay away from it. If I did give in, it meant 2 hours at the gym for the next week or getting rid of it in a not so healthy way. 

So, when I called my mom to tell her I actually had a piece of pizza, she answered me back and said, "Amy, I just prayed in my Moms in touch prayer group that you would enjoy pizza this week". 

Ok, not the most godly prayer you could pray for your child…but that prayer wasn't about the pizza. It was about freedom. It was about not being a slave to every kind of food and being ok with not being in control. 

This past week I have had pizza 4 times. 

And something crazy happened...I survived!

 I didn't gain 15 pounds and I can still fit into my pants. And you know what, I actually liked the way it tasted. But more than that, I liked not obsessing over it. I liked being free to say yes or no to a second piece. For once, I was able to be present and not fast forward to how I would get rid of my dinner. 

Maybe food is an issue with you. Maybe working out is an issue with you. Maybe being super healthy to the point it becomes a obsession is what you are going through. 

Whatever it is, if it causes you to stop enjoying life, it has become a problem. If it causes you to forget about the here and now, it has become a problem. If it causes you to miss out on social activities or hide away in your bedroom all alone, it has become an issue.  If you think a smaller waist will make you more happy, you are terribly mistaken. 

I know it feels like if you miss a work out, you won't survive the night. I know it feels like your world is spiraling out of control after you have a piece of cake. I know it feels like life will be over for you if you give in to carbohydrates….I promise you, you'll survive. 

I'm not saying to go out and eat every unhealthy thing you can get your hands on. That is not what I am saying at all. Moderation is key and eating healthy and exercising is important. 

What I am saying is that you don't have to be afraid of food. 

And if you are, don't worry…it's a process and you'll get there. 

I am still learning as I go..it doesn't happen over night. 

Honestly, I think I just got to a point where I was sick of it. I was sick of food being in control of my life. I was sick of missing out on life. 

The worst thing I could have heard before was "Wow, Amy, you look good and healthy". I wanted, "Wow, you need to eat something". 

But now, I am learning  and accepting that healthy is beautiful. 

The bravest thing I could have done 4 years ago was eat a piece of pizza. 

That sounds crazy to some of you…but to others, you know exactly what I am talking about. 

So be brave and I promise you, it will get easier...and eventually, you may just find yourself enjoying a piece of pizza. 

Whose Voice Are You Listening To?

"How to Make Anyone Like You"

This was the article title on the cover of a magazine my roommate got in the mail the other day. 

The part of me that is the people pleaser wanted to instantly turn to the page and see what this magic secret was. 

Thankfully, I know better now didn't give this article the time of day. 

Looking back on life, I spent far too many moments of my life trying to please people. 

In middle school, I did everything to be accepted by the popular girls because that is who I wanted to be friends with. 

In high school, I did whatever it took to be noticed by the guys. 

In college, I tried to get the best grades so my parents would accept me and love me more. 

After college, I tried to act like the "perfect" Christian so that others would think I was enough. 

Honestly, I wanted to be anyone else but me. 

I didn't think people would accept me…I was either too big,too thin, too loud, too quiet, too smart, not smart enough, too nice, too selfish..the list goes on and on. 

I let every other voice tell me who I "should" be. 

But here is the truth:

Who I am is a child of God and that is all that matters.

Who I am doesn't need approval from anyone other than Christ. 

I have bad hair days. 

I have bad clothes days. 

I doubt sometimes. 

I sometimes trust people too much. 

I make mistakes. 

I fall…I will continue to fall. 

I don't always get it right. 

I am not the perfect Christian (and never will be).

I'm not always the best friend.

I don't have it all figured out. 

 I am still learning who I am.

I have found myself getting so caught up in Facebook "likes", twitter favorites, twitter retweets, …all because I want to be liked…crazy, I know. 

Who am I trying to impress, God or man? 

It is painful for me to say that "man" has been my answer more than I would like to admit. 

So, it's ok if I only get one Facebook like for this..it's really ok if I don't get any Facebook likes for this. 

God made me and He doesn't make mistakes. He gave me the unique personality that He did. He gave me the mind that tends to want concrete answers. He gave me the heart that gets way too emotional. 

So, the challenge for me is to stop trying to be accepted and liked by all people. The challenge for me is to be ok when I am not picked first in line. The challenge for me is to be ok when others don't like what I have to say. The challenge for me is to listen to only One Voice and One Voice alone…Jesus.  

I will only become the person God wants me to become if I let every other voice fade. 

Whose voice are you listening to? 

Galatians 1:10

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? "

Trust Without Boundaries

I didn't plan for last night's service.
Our last song of worship was Hillsong United's Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) . The pastor came out during the beginning of it and spoke about his recent Disney adventure with his son. He talked about how he finally was able to convince his son to sit in the front of the biggest rollercoaster with both hands up the whole way.  When the ride was done, he asked his son how he liked it. His son said not at all and how he didn't like feeling out of control.

Well, I felt tears start forming immediately when he started talking about the trip because I knew where it was going. 

I don't like to admit it much but I am struggling with trust right now.

I feel like God has taken me to a deeper level with Him but this requires much more trust and faith than I  ever anticipated. 

You see, things are going good in my life right now. New opportunities and movements are taking place that I've been praying for for over 12 years. Dreams lost so long ago are starting to be spoken to again. I see Gods fingertips on everything. He has opened up doors with music that I could never in a thousand years open up. 

But last night, I realized I am having a hard time.

I think I was scared to admit that. Scared to really tell Him that I have doubts. 

This is my relationship with God in the past when I think I've got a good thing going: He takes it away. 

Awesome relationship. Over. 

Awesome job. Over.

One door opens. Two doors shut. 

So….I have a hard time really accepting good things when they come along because I know how this story usually ends. 

Now, Romans 8:28 reminds me that He is working for my good and Jeremiah 29:11 tells me that He has a good future for me. So I don't doubt Him taking these appeared to be "good" things away because I know He sees the big picture. 

But last night, something broke in me and I was honest with myself and God. 

I'm not good with blind faith. I hate admitting this, but it's true. I have moments when I feel like I "get it" and other moments when I need to see to believe. I think if we are all honest we are all like this. 

I can't do anything about my future. I can't make the right doors open. I can't pray enough, sing enough and write enough to make anything happen. 

It's all in God's Hands and it always has been.

So I trust and I wait. I cry out to Him when I can't hold on any longer, knowing that He will never leave nor forsake me. 

And if it doesn't go as planned, if things don't work out like I would like, I know He has a reason for it. I may be upset for a little bit, but I know that there is a greater purpose. I will continue to believe that "He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future".

A Leap of Faith And A Big God

It all started in Walmart when I was doing an axe promotion deal. I was passing out coupons when a complete stranger came up to me and changed my world. 

This complete stranger saw something in me that I didn't  allow myself to see. A artist. 

 Not content with just my "ministry" answer to what I was doing in Nashville, this person continued to dig deeper..asking what I wanted to do with my life? Ok....they ask again, "What do your really want to do with your life?".."What are you hiding?"

Long story short, I told this person how I had started songwriting and how music was something I had given up on many years ago. I told them how earlier that morning, I had told God that I was done with the music thing and everything about it. I had quit before...but this time, it was for real. I couldn't write a song…I couldn't sing in front of people…I just couldn't do it anymore. 

Well, turns out this person was in the music industry and wanted to listen to some of the stuff I had written.
I left Walmart stunned and in disbelief. I remember getting in my car, placing my hands on the steering wheel and just crying. Could I really do Ministry plus Music?
I thought back to my prophecy at Mercy Ministries. I thought back to the day on the treadmill when God brought me to my knees. I went back to being a little girl, when music was all I knew.

I can honestly say I would have not even gone to the studio to play what  songs I had if it weren't my friends who pushed me and told me I HAD to do this.
I remember this stranger looking at me straight in the eyes and saying, "it's up to you. You don't get many chances like this. It's up to you".

So I went to the studio...shaking and almost in tears the whole way. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't sing in front of anyone…so how was I supposed to do this. 

But I knew I had to. I knew I had to step out in faith and see what happened.

That was one of the best decisions I ever made. That decision happened to be the day after my 30th birthday. Best birthday gift ever. 

After that meeting, I was set up with a songwriter who wanted to help me with some of my stuff that I already had. 

Fast forward to now…I have the opportunity to demo a song I wrote.

Only God. Only God. Only God.

Only God had me be at Walmart that day, the day that I told him I was quitting songwriting. Only God gave that person the instinct to talk to me. Only God gave me the courage to sing in front of someone. Only God gave me the words for the song . Only God got me through the addiction to write those words. Only God. 

You see, if I wouldn't have gone through hell for the majority of my life, I wouldn't have had the experience to write the words on paper that turned into, "Time to Shine". If I wouldn't have spent hours on the floor crying out to God in the past, I wouldn't have the words to write. If I wouldn't have had the struggle, I wouldn't have the song.

You may think its all coincidence, but I know it's all God. 

Now, the song might not make it. I am not speaking in doubt, I am being realistic. BUT…God has given me a reason to not quit the one thing I know is supposed to be part of my life. 

Even though you think your dream is done, is over and can't ever happen…God sees the big picture. God has the last say. God makes the final call. 

Now I can't say what is to come….God tends to change every direction I start walking (but I am learning to be ok with that). 

Don't ever quit on yourself. If you know you are meant to do something in your heart, do it. Take that leap of faith. Take that step and see where it goes….it may completely blow your mind.

Trust God with your dreams. Sometimes He changes them. Sometimes He helps us get back to them. 

"Trust dreams. Trust your heart, and trust your story" Neil Gaiman