A Shovel and the Man from Australia

Do you ever have moments when you want to give up?

Do you ever have days when it’s hard to hold on to hope?

Even with Jeremiah 29:11 tattooed on my neck, my heart can easily forget that God has a good plan for my life.

Now, I have lived long enough to see that good doesn’t mean that there will not be heartbreak and trials.

Unfortunately, that is part of life.

I have just had a hard time lately believing that God’s plan is good.

That doesn’t mean that I have turned away from faith and denounced Jesus.
It means that I am human.

Yesterday, I called my mom on my lunch break, hoping she could offer me some sort of hope.

When she asked what was wrong, I couldn’t speak a full sentence without breaking down.
Right there on the Starbucks patio, I lost it.

“I don’t get it. I don’t know why faith is so hard sometimes. I don’t understand why bad things happen to good people. I don’t know why I struggle with faith. I don’t know why I can’t seem to fall in love with Jesus as much as I want. I don’t know why I can’t get my mind out of this cloud. I don’t get it.”

All she heard was, “I don’t….Why I struggle…I can’t….my mind…”

She didn’t know what to say, so we both listened in silence.

I always feel such shame when I have these moments with God.

 For the most part, my life is wonderful. I’ve had some hiccups in the road, but life has been good to me.  When I complain, I feel horrible afterwards, thinking I’m a terrible person for having these thoughts.

But sometimes perspective is hard to find, especially when we are in a fog.

I tried writing, that didn’t help.

I looked up quotes on hope, that didn’t help.
I researched scriptures on hope, but for some reason, that made me more upset.

As I sat there, tears started streaming down my eyes. I didn’t even care that I had to be back at work in an hour.  

A few minutes later, I heard an Australian accent coming from a few tables over.

"You need to start plowing and digging," the voice said to the young lady at the table with him.
“You are in a season of preparation and planting. The fruit will come but you must plow right now. You are right where you are supposed to be, so dig.”

He wasn’t speaking to me, but God was.

Plow and dig.

The interesting thing about this was that the night before, I was reading, Greater, by Steven Furtick.

The chapter I was reading was all about digging ditches.

He wrote how we dig ditches because we believe that God will send the rain. We dig ditches because we believe God will come through. We dig ditches because we are expectant.

The exact quote I wrote down last night was, “Stop waiting for what you want and start working with what you have. Start saying, “Yes,” to God right where you are at.”

Sometimes the Heavens are silent, but that does not mean that we quit believing, which is exactly where I was at.  

Despite everything amazing that has happened in my life and in the past few months, from getting my first cut to getting songs placed on hold, I was becoming hopeless, towards my faith, towards my desire for a relationship, towards music.

God knew I needed an intervention.

God knew I needed direction.

When I got home from work, I pulled out my past voice teacher’s breathing and vocal exercises.  

Rusty or not, it was time to start plowing.

After I finished them, I then pulled out my guitar.
I started strumming mindlessly and humming some sort of melody.
 20 minutes later, I had completed a new song.  Now, I don’t think this song will be a top hit or even on the radio, but that doesn’t matter.  
I was digging ditches.

I believe that God has made me an artist, not a performer, an artist.

He told me that music was going to be part of my life many years ago on the treadmill.
I laughed, He didn’t.

My job isn’t to figure out how everything will happen and at what time. My job is to believe and to dig ditches while I wait, fully expectant that He will make it happen.

So I continue to practice the breathing exercises.

I get back into singing lessons.
I write even when I don’t have the words, melody, or even know what chord I am playing.
I dig ditches.

This blog is redundant of many things I have written before, and that’s ok.

I think many of us get weary and tired on the journey. It doesn’t matter if God spoke to us yesterday, we need hope for today.

If your dream hasn’t happened, if your desire hasn’t been fulfilled, don’t stop believing.  

If you have, ask God to give you hope again.

My exact prayer which I wrote in my journal after the night I read the chapter on digging, and the night before I heard the man with the Australian accent was this, “Father, I do believe in You, I believe that you can make something out of nothing, I believe that you will do amazing things with my life. I’m just so, so, so tired of enduring, or getting by, or just holding on-I long to thrive but I just don’t know how. Please help me know that you are holding me and not letting go. That I am still yours, that you are still working in my life, against all hope, help me continue to believe”

It’s time to start digging.