The Purge

I was watching the television show, Nashville, when one of the characters said something that struck a chord in me. 

One of the main female leads said, "I need to purge."

The character was saying this in reference to getting rid of all of her ex boyfriends belongings at her house. 

When I used to hear the word, "purge," I always associated it with bulimia. 

It was an ugly word. 

It was a gross word. 

it was a word that I avoided at all costs. 

When I heard it last night, I didn't think it was ugly, gross, or relate it to food in any way. 

Instead, I realized how I need to purge some things  in my life. 

I didn't need to purge any of my ex-boyfriend's belongings. I tend to do that right after every relationship ends. 

Instead, I needed to purge distractions. 

Specifically, distractions in the form of social media. 

I can find myself spending a lot of my time on social media sites, responding to comments, looking at my friend's pictures, seeing where people are at now and so on. 

I have  love/hate relationship with it. 

In fact, for so long, I was that girl that got on, and then off, and then on again, and then off again. 

I was like a leaf, being blown here, there, and all over the place. 

I was hot and cold. 

I would get off to just get back on again. 

I realized it wasn't social media's fault I was unhappy, it was my own fault.  

There is a lot of good that can come from social media. 

I can find encouragement through a quote, or something someone posted. 

I can see what all my distant relatives are doing. 

I find causes to get involved with and opportunities to help out with. 

But For me, right now, it has become a distraction, and a pain reliever. 

I don't write when I am on social media. 

I don't sing when I am on social media. 

I don't feel when I am on social media. 

Just like food used to be, and can still be,  social media has become a coping mechanism.

When I don't want to feel my loneliness, or fear of the future, I get online. 

When I don't want to acknowledge my lack of control in life, I get on Facebook and Instagram. 

When I don't want to talk to God about how lost I feel in life right now, I scroll through my feed. 

The problem for me, is that  feeling is vital. 

Feeling is where I get my inspiration from, and how I make sense of the world.

In fact, when I was in treatment,  I refused to stay on depression and anxiety pills, because of their numbing effect. 

When I get stressed, or anxious now, my body starts to chill and I get terrible headaches. 

And lately, chills have started to resurface again.  

My body is sending an emergency signal to me….a warning sign, that I must take into account. 

I must make some changes, now. 

If not, I am headed for a downward spiral.

Interestingly enough, the advice I gave to someone who is headed down a dangerous path, was to get off social media. 

Perhaps, this advice is for me also. 

Ironically, I will use social media to share this. So It's not a matter of shutting down every site and being that girl again. 

It's a matter of taking personal responsibility, and having wisdom when to walk away, and turn off the computer. 

Instead of opening my laptop,I  reach for a pen and paper. 

Instead of opening another app, I grab my guitar.

Instead of reaching for my phone, I close my eyes , take deep breath's and listen.

Listen to the sounds around me. 

Listen to my life. 

What is keeping you from moving forward? 

Where do you need to make a change? 

What are you refusing to feel? 

What are you refusing to do?

What do you need to purge? 

"I'll drown if I don't get out, 

And face the stronger winds.

I must go against the current, 

Find out what's around the bend.

I need a time-out

A chance to lose my breath.

To travel down uncharted paths.

Is the only way I'll find myself back"

"Thats the thing about pain…it demands to be felt" John Green