Maybe I Am Beautiful

I have a love/hate relationship with downtown Nashville. 

Starting with the positives...

- Going downtown usually consists of meeting up with a distant relative or out of state friend. 

-The Ryman.

And, the negatives...
-People, a ton of people, like- loads of people, like-I'm gonna scream because I feel so claustrophobic around this many people
-Many others, but I will keep those to myself. 

Saturday night, I found myself downtown.

My good friend was visiting with her family, so we decided to meet up on Broadway. 

We ended up at The Stage, a tourist favorite.

The Stage and I go a few years back.

I remember visiting the establishment when I was 25 yrs. old with my parents, aunt, uncle, and cousin.

For those of you that don't know my cousin, she is beautiful, breathtaking beautiful. 

She stops a crowd wherever she goes. 

She probably will disagree with me after reading this, but it's true. 

The truth is, I spent the majority of my life wanting to look like my cousin. 

I was jealous of her, and she later admitted that she was jealous of me. 

Because of everything we have been through together, the ups and the downs, the hair-pulls, fights over guys and radio stations, we are more like sisters.

After we walked into the bar, It didn't take long for every guy to take notice of her. 

Consequently, It didn't take long for me to feel like the ugly duckling. 

It didn't matter that I was with my parents, aunt, uncle, or even cousin, I wanted to disappear. 

At 25, I vowed to never go back into The Stage. 

However, I didn't know at the time that I would be moving to Nashville just 3 years later.

And on Saturday night, I found myself, once again, at The Stage. 

It didn't take long for me to remember why I am not a huge fan of the place. 

First off, when I waked in, I didn't get carded. 

Ugh. 

And my friend, who is not that much younger than I, did. 

Ugh. Again.
Talk about feeling old. 

Secondly, my friend was dancing with her husband, while I was standing by my single self. 

Now, I am not a dancer, in fact, I tend to move away from any kind of dancing. 

The only times I have enjoyed dancing is when it's pitch black, and no one can see me, or in middle school, when I slow danced to, "I Swear" by All 4 One, with my crush.

This time, I wasn't jealous of my cousin.
This time, I was jealous of my friend.

I looked at the way my friend's husband looked at her. 

Smitten. Absolutely smitten. 

She was the only one who mattered. 

In a room full of people, his eyes only saw her. 

Despite being surrounded by tons of people, my friend and her family, I felt invisible, again. 

I managed say my goodbyes and leave before the tears started gathering in my eyes.

When I got to my car, driving as fast away form the neon light as I could, I thought, "God, when will someone be smitten with me? When will it be my turn? When will someone love me?"

I woke up Sunday morning, and instantly thought, "I am not going to eat as much today. That is something I can do to make myself feel better". 

I let my mind go there for a second, knowing that I was trying avoid the hurt, attempting to cover up the pain.

After entertaining that thought for one second more than I should have, I picked up my journal and did the only thing I can do...write.

"Father, You call me beautiful, but I don't feel that way right now. But then again, maybe all these experiences of feeling alone, abandoned, and invisible, will help me help others…Maybe I am beautiful… Maybe these moments of singleness have to be experienced…Maybe these moments will help me be relatable to others…Maybe these feelings of being the one not chosen, not picked, will help me help others... Maybe I am beautiful."

While I can start thinking that God has forgotten about me, I know that He is teaching me endurance and perseverance. 

It hurts, a lot, some days more than I can even bare. Many nights I have drenched my pillow full of tears, asking Him, "Why? When? How Long?"

But if I wish to walk the path that He has called me to walk, trials and pain are necessary. 

Hardships, no matter how big or small, no matter how surface or deep, force us to grow, force us to become the person God needs us to be.

“A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear that results from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl”

-Stephen Hoeller
 

I don't have some wonderful revelation or brilliant, awe inspiring answer that God gave me after writing this. 

This is just a blog about days when you feel invisible. 

I believe that sometimes God wants us to sit with our pain, and our sadness. 

We can't stay there, but we must address it. 

We can't cover it up with make-up, food, or lack of food, clothes, trips, drugs, alcohol, work, muscles, money, legalism…

We have to go there.
We have to be brave and face the truth, no matter how painful and uncomfortable it can be. 

My visit to to The Stage, reminded me that I am human. 

My visit to The Stage, reminded me that my heart still needs healed.

My visit to the The Stage, reminded me that it's ok to not always feel ok. 

Lastly, my visit to The Stage, reminded me that I still think Merle Haggard looks like Chuck Norris

 

“She never stays the same for long
 Assuming that she'll get it wrong
 Perfect only in her imperfection

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster”

-Jon McGlaughlin