That's What I'm Waiting For

Recently, I had a conversation with one of my good friend about guys, dating, and the single life. 

Now, it doesn't take many blogs of mine to see how my past relationships have gone, pretty much everywhere but forward. 

When I was in college, I blamed my dating life, or rather lack of, on my addiction. 

When I moved to St. Louis after graduating from Indiana, I blamed it on having a serving job, and constantly being too busy. 

Now that I am in Nashville, I catch myself blaming the music industry. "They wanted fame more than me," and "They wanted a super model because they think they are rock-stars," and "They can't take me out on a date because they are broke". 

Of course, this is not all musicians. I know many of amazing guys who are musicians. I just don't seem to find any of those. 

Maybe one day.  

Anyways, I am beyond brilliant at blaming my failed dating life on everyone, except me.

Ironically, the common denominator amongst all these failed relationships is, well...me. 

Insecurity is something I have to truly work on every single day. I've never looked in the mirror and have effortlessly said, "Wow, you're beautiful. You are really something. "

Never once. 

I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. 

When I look in the mirror, I don't see someone covered in jewels, waring a crown.  I have to purposefully remind myself that I am a daughter of the King, and that I am worth fighting for. 

I constantly focus on myself. The truth is,  there isn't much room in my relationships because I take up about 99.7% of the room. 

I exhaust guys. 

I need an ungodly amount of affirmation that most guys can't give. 

I give them every reason to end it with me before it can even really begin. Mainly, so I don't get hurt. I don't trust guys. 

Despite years of counseling, I still resort back to walls to keep myself safe. I used to think the "right" guy would be able to knock them down. 

Wrong. 

No guy is going to have the energy to continually tear down these walls. It isn't their job. 

Back to my friend…

She has been involved with this particular guy who constantly tells her he isn't interested in a relationship. He likes her, but he likes his single life more.

She really likes him,  so giving up his attention isn't really an option. She would rather be with him than be without. 

While she was telling me about him, I felt a surge of righteous anger boil up from somewhere deep in me. 

I looked at her as if she was my own child, as if she were one of my nieces.

 "You deserve more. You deserve more. You deserve more. You deserve someone who values you, all of of you. You deserve someone who makes time for you. You deserve someone who makes you a priority. You deserve a guy to fight for you.

After I told her this, I caught a glimpse of my own reflection in the mirror.  

 I needed to hear this as much as her. 

I have been in the same position as my friend countless times before. 

Let me reiterate, I'm not blaming the guys. This isn't a bash all guys post.  I know more than most how many of those there are flooding online.

Rather, this is dedicated to the hearts that don't know what they are worth, or perhaps they do, but have forgotten. 

This is dedicated to the hearts that feel the need to run to someone who doesn't handle their's with care. 

This is dedicated to the hearts that need to take a look at their own heart before giving it away. 

This is dedicated to the hearts that long for someone to love, and to also be loved.

This is dedicated to the hearts that want love, but don't know what it means to give it away. 

This is not dedicated to the hearts that like the chase, like the game, and aren't interested in finding a relationship.

This is not dedicated to the hearts that like the single life. 

 I am not God, I do not know when I will meet that person. It could be tomorrow,  or it could be 5 years from now. Whenever that will happen doesn't really matter. What matters now is how I treat my heart. 

Maybe the conservation with my friend was a wake up call, a sweet reminder, a gentle voice that was buried deep down in my soul. It was always there, I just have ignored it lately. 

"You deserve…"

The blame game placed blinders on my eyes, forcing me to look everywhere but in. In keeping score of how many times I have been hurt, and by what particular guys, I discounted all the  guys who  have been wonderful to me. 

In this case, "it's not you, it's me," rings true. 

It was me. 

What I'm waiting for, is not some tall, dark and handsome prince charming, wearing boots and skinny jeans, riding in on a Mercedes.

What I'm waiting for, is not someone who can write me the best song, play the guitar, and work it in front of a crowd. 

What I'm waiting for, is not penny loafers, a double major, and retirement fund. 

What I'm waiting for, is not a missionary, who can quote the New Testament word by word.

What I am waiting for...is me.

I'm waiting for when I start treating my own heart right. 

I have started, but I still have a long way to go.  

I'm waiting for when I can give away more love than I need to receive. 

I'm on my way, but I'm not there yet. 

With both hands, one waving a white flag, I surrender, once again. I'm done blaming everyone but myself. 

This is dedicated to my friend's heart, my niece's hearts, even my own heart…Above all else, Guard your heart.Treat it with care.  Be gentle and kind to yourself. Celebrate the glorious, beautiful, perfectly imperfect mess that each one of us is.

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built up against it"