H&M and Old Flings

Running into a guy or girl you used to date is never fun.

Running into a guy or girl you used to date with their new girlfriend/boyfriend is also never fun. 

I was returning some things at H & M this past weekend when all of a sudden I see a guy I used to date walking towards me with his new girlfriend. 

I thought I could try and secretly slide over to the other line, but being that there were only two open, I decided that that would have just been silly and pretty obvious.

So I keep my eyes focused straight ahead, covered my face a little more with my hair and prayed that he didn’t realize it was me. 

Fail.I'm pretty sure my hair gave it away. 

I have this tendency to start shaking when I get nervous. Good situations, bad situations, it doesn’t matter. Shaking leads to panic attacks, panic attacks to fainting and fainting is never a good thing. 

So I say “Jesus” over and over…praying that I don’t collapse right in front of him.

I get to the front, return my items, turn around and instantly lock eyes with him. 

I smile, nod my head and then bolt out of there. 

As I head back to my East Nashville home, old feelings of regret and loneliness start to surface.

Why was I not good enough for him? Was I not pretty enough? Thin enough? Was my hair too blonde? 

He was smart. Maybe I wasn’t smart enough for him? 

Now I had two choices to make here. I could continue on with this thought process or I could immediately stop it and start speaking truth over myself and the situation. 

I was beyond tempted to make the first choice because it is what I did for so many years of my life, but something more powerful in me said “No”.

Here is the truth…

The truth was he was lonely after a break up and wanted companionship.

The truth was that I was vulnerable and naïve and wanted to be in a relationship more than anything.

I wasn’t good for him and he wasn’t good for me. 

There were warning flags waving all around but I chose to not look at them. 

Driving back, I reminded myself of God’s faithfulness in my life. I reminded myself of my friend’s sweet message earlier that day that told me that God has such a bright plan for my life and while it seems unclear and hazy right now, He was doing a great work in me. I reminded myself that God has brought me way too far and has helped me overcome way too much to get me involved in something that isn’t part of His plan.  

It has nothing to do with my looks. It has nothing to do with my IQ. It has nothing to do with my age.

It does have everything to do with God. 

Rejection hurts and it’s hard. We look at ourselves and think of the “what if’s?”.

If I was prettier, he would have stayed. 

If I wasn’t so deep, he would have stayed. 

If I wasn’t so intense, he would have stayed. 

Basically, if I wasn’t “me”, he would have stayed.

Lies. All lies. 

The person who falls in love with you falls in love with all of you. In fact, one of my favorite quotes is, “your flaws are perfect for the heart that is meant to love you”.

Any person or relationship that makes you question what you should change about yourself isn’t worth it. 

And later on that night, I let him off the hook and let go of the bitterness. 

When someone hurts you, you can do two things.... 

1). Store up bitterness and anger.

2). Give it to God and let it go. 

You may have every right to be upset with the person and your pain may be completely justifiable. However, the longer you hold onto the pain he or she has caused you, the deeper you pull yourself into the pit of bitterness and resentment. 

And when the right person comes along, you may be so far down in the pit that you completely miss them. 

If I really believe what Jeremiah 29:11 says, it doesn’t matter that he said goodbye. 

And once again, I am faced with two choices…

Either I believe in God’s promises or I don’t.

It always comes down to a choice. 

Tuesday at Two: Why I Believe In Miracles

I have a maltipoo named Lily. 
Lily was born with a bad heart. A day after I got her, I noticed that she was breathing funny. I knew something was not right inside her tiny 3 pound body so I took her to the veterinarian. The vet then proceeded to give me the sobering news that if I wanted Lily to live, she would need to have heart surgery as soon as possible.

I was devastated.
Lily was like my child and I was helpless.

I remember driving to my house and asking God why He would give me Lily if she was going to die.
I didn’t have any money saved up for heart surgery, especially heart surgery for a puppy. I was fresh out of college and barely making enough to pay my Visa bill.
I tried countless other vets in the St. Louis area in the next two days. Not one of them gave me the news I was hoping for.
I know it’s just an animal but I had fallen in love.
Thousands of dollars wasn’t going to magically appear so I decided to love Lily and give her the best life possible without the surgery.

Then something amazing and miraculous happened.

It was Christmas Eve morning and my brother was home for the holidays. He ran into my room and said, “you have a phone call”.

It was the first vet I had seen on the other line. “Amy, there is a lady in Illinois who wants to pay for Lily’s surgery”

It was better than my best dreams.

I was shocked. What? Why? How?

A TV station in St. Louis did a special interest story on Lily because I got her through the internet. Turns out I did everything wrong when buying her. I didn’t see  Lily’s mom and or where she lived.  In fact, my parents met the seller at Cracker Barrel, still not seeing the breeder.  Turns out the lady who sold me her was a broker for a puppy mill.  This makes perfect sense why Lily wasn’t even the puppy I had picked out from the internet in the first place.
Since it was almost Christmas time and a lot of parents were buying puppies online for their children. They did the story to show what you need to know before buying a puppy online.

Faye White. There aren’t enough words to describe how this older lady changed my life.

Faye White never watched the Fox station but for some odd reason, she switched the channel one night. She saw Lily and me on a TV show I had done and knew she had to do something.
Faye was my fairy godmother but more than that she was my best friend. She may have been in her 80’s but she was my favorite person in the world.
She had lived in Germany and Switzerland and many other places. She lived extravagantly. She was a St. Louis socialite and lived her life with no reservations. But there was much more to her.
She wasn’t the sweet old lady who bakes you cookies and gives you milk. The first time I met her she offered me beer and wine.
She drove a white corvette with the license plate “Faye29”.
Faye didn’t have any brothers and sisters. Her mother and husband had died a year before she saw me on the tv. She later told me it was the first time in a long time that she felt hope.

I didn’t know it at the time, but Faye needed me as much as I needed her.

I would later go on to visit  Faye about every two to three weeks after Lily’s surgery. I loved hearing Faye talk about her life. She wanted to be a pilot but had just missed the cut off for females to work in the aviation field. She had been married 3 times, her last husband was a “son of a *****”. (Her words, not mine)
She loved to smoke and fed raccoons twinkies in her yard every day. She had pictures of all her dogs on her family room wall.

My fondest memories of St. Louis involve Faye.

 She was a breast cancer survivor and felt the pains of never being able to have children.
She didn’t like pictures and hated looking in the mirror because her reflection was not how she saw herself.
She had incredible fashion taste and only bought clothes from magazines.
She bought Christmas presents for my whole family, mom, dad, brother, sister in law and even my mom’s dad. She didn’t know all of them but they were important to her.
Getting her a Christmas present was horrible because she literally had EVERYTHING. I once got her a sweater and I told her I had no idea what to get her. Her response was always the same “It’s something”.
When she started to get sick, I always asked her when she thought she would feel better. Her response was always “Tuesday at Two”.(If I ever have the chance to name anything, I am naming it, Tuesday at Two.)

I knew everything about her.  

She grew up dirt poor, wearing the same shoes all year round.
She told me to break up with guys because they weren’t good for me. She told me not to move to California. She told me not to go back to school for Fashion Merchandise. She wasn’t afraid to tell me the truth.

 There weren’t many people at her funeral. My mom and I were the only non relatives. It felt sort of like in the movie Gatsby, I expected a huge celebration instead of being able to count the attendees on both of my hands.

But then her cousin told me that she didn’t let many people in.

I was one of the lucky ones.

When I went to Mercy Ministries she was one of the two people that I wrote a letter to, explaining why I was going. She knew nothing about the eating disorder and when she found out about it later, she told my mom that she started talking to God again.

She needed a family and she became part of mine.

I continued this relationship with Faye for the next 5 years.
What started as a sick puppy turned into one of the most deep and transforming relationships I have and will ever have with anyone. I learned more from Faye than any college professor or pastor will ever teach me. God put Faye in my life and I in hers.

Faye passed away the winter before I moved to Nashville. Whenever I am tempted to give up on my dreams and settle for average, I think of Faye.

Do you ever question what God is doing in your life?
Are you confused with why it would appear that you got the short end of the stick?

I was reminded of this story when I was reading about Joseph.

Joseph ended up being sold into slavery by his brothers. He was later accused of a rape he didn’t commit. He ended up in prison and was forgotten.

I’m sure Joseph was tempted to be upset with God many times.

He didn’t do anything wrong but found himself in jail.
He didn’t know that God was about to do a miracle through his life.
And that is exactly what God did.

I think life doesn’t make sense most of the time. Bad things happen to good people.

And we think God doesn’t care?

Many times we never are able to see how everything is connected in our lives. The good, the bad, it all just seems like a mess.
But sometimes, God lets us in and shows us His plan.
That was the story of Faye and Lily.

God made a miracle out of my life and Faye’s life all through a tiny 3 pound puppy with a bad heart.
The storm doesn’t make sense while you are in it but when the clouds disappear, you sometimes get a chance to see a beautiful sunset.

God used me to help Faye find her faith again.

God used Faye to help me keep Lily alive.
God used a puppy with a bad heart to change the lives of two people forever.

It may not make sense, but God is writing your story. It may not turn out like we hope or look like we planned. The beginning and middle might not be the best but the ending is beautiful.

Trust Him in the chaos. Trust Him with the questions. Trust Him in the mess.

Don't Trust The Prince

 I am sure some of you have experienced this same thing….It was Tuesday, January 7^th, 2014. My scripture reading for that day was Psalm 146:1-2. So, I open up my Bible and start reading…

“Praise ye the Lord. Praise the Lord, o my soul. While I live will I praise the Lord: I will sing praises unto my God while I have any being. Put not your trust in princes”

BAM..you know when truth hits you in the face. “Put not your trust in princes”.

I was like, “ok, God…You have my attention”.

So I go back to my devotional and realize that “Put not your trust in princes” was actually vs. 3…not at all what I was supposed to read.

Now, you call this a mistake and yes, it was ( I make a lot of them) but when moments like this happen, I believe 100% it is not a mistake to God. He meant for me to read that because He knew I needed to hear it.

I write (and talk) a lot about waiting for the right guy and why I haven’t met him and does God know my age...and so on.I know my roommates and friends get sick of hearing me complain about this.  And no offense to all you people who are married and tell me it will happen when I least expect it, but please stop. You may be 100% correct, but please stop.

Over Thanksgiving break, this distant family friend came up to me, in the middle of everyone and was like, “So, are you dating anyone? “ (instant eye roll-of course not visible) politely I respond “no”. And then she continues to say “Oh my niece is getting married…and…. ( I stop listening so I have no idea what she said after that ).

Then comes Christmas and a friend asks, “Are you dating anyone? “  My reply again, “No”. Except after that, she changes the subject (thank goodness). I think she got that if I was, I would have told her.  
 

So I have been feeling not so great about myself lately. I know it’s in God’s timing and His ways are far beyond our ways. However, if I can be honest, some days I  wish I could be done with the whole waiting thing…

And then I read this passage, “Do not put your trust in princes”.

Don’t trust a guy to give you worth. Don’t trust a guy to make all your problems go away. Don’t trust a guy to satisfy. Don’t trust a guy to give you everything you need. It’s not fair to him to have that responsibility. It isn’t his job to validate my worth at every second of every day. It isn’t fair to the guy.

God insists and demands that I find my COMPLETE worth in Him above anything else: a job, a guy, facebook likes, a song, a car, a ministry…anything.

God knows this is a hard idol for me to give up and He constantly reminds me of it…and for whatever reason He continues to have me wait…

I have 1,000 other blessings to be thankful for. Friends, Life, Family….the list could keep on going…

And eventually I will learn how to wait well.

Till then, He will just keep reminding me that a guy won’t solve every problem, in fact, he will probably add a lot more. A boyfriend/husband doesn’t mean I am any less pretty. A husband doesn’t ensure financial security…the list goes on.

Christ is my only hope in this world. This is the truth.

Life isn’t perfect. Life will never be perfect.  Prayers aren’t always answered how we want them to be. We will always be waiting on something. However, in the imperfection, I realize that my Creator, the One who made me, the One who loves me more than anyone ever will, is Perfect and trustworthy. My only job is to trust Him with my life and with my heart.

            “It wasn’t that everything was going my way, but I began to believe that the way it was going was perfect. I accepted that where I was in life, was exactly where I was supposed to be.”

-The Hippie, Snowflake Obsidian.

Celebrity

Nashville:  The city where 98.8% of people come here for the chance to make music, get discovered and play for thousands of fans.

Almost everyone is a songwriter, a singer, a musician or a hipster.

Moving here has been one of the best choices I have ever made. I have met some incredible and amazing people who have left an imprint on my heart. I have met people who have challenged me to be better and to be kinder.

People pray on the sidewalk.  No one knows a stranger here. People want to help you…just “because”.

Talent is easy to find and hard to beat.

Everyone is great, but not everyone makes it.
I can’t help but wonder if for some, it’s not really the music. I can’t help but wonder if for some, it’s the idea of being a Celebrity.

Now before people start rolling their eyes and cursing my name under their breath, hear me out…

I love when people stop me and compliment my hair or my outfit that day. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I feel noticed. I feel like I matter. I feel important.

Would I love if that happened every day? Yes.
Does it? No.

I can’t help but wonder if the reason so many people want to “make” it is because a part of them just wants to be noticed.

We all have a need to be known, to matter and to make a difference in this world. I can only hope that when my time is through on this earth, people will find something nice to say about me and how I positively impacted them (that is my hope at least).

I think that this is the case with everyone. I just think I notice it more living in Nashville.

We all want to be celebrities in our own little world. But what we forget is that this world isn’t about us. God doesn’t care one bit about the word “famous”. In fact, I think He shudders at it.

I forget this. ALL THE TIME.
I am known. In fact, I was known before I was even born, so were you. He has written my name on the palm of His hand, same with yours.
I have to remind myself this truth every single day.

 The world tries to tell me I am not known until I make X amount of money, fit into X size clothes, have X amount of kids, oh and get married by X age.

Thank goodness Heaven isn’t about “X”s.

I’m not a bitter musician. In fact, I’m not a musician. I am a person who loves poems and believe that words have the power to heal more than anything else.

If you are a painter, paint.
If you are a writer, write.
If you are a singer, sing.
If you a baseball player..make it your life goal to play on the STL Cardinals ;)

Don’t give up because you don’t ever win an award. Don’t give up because you don’t “make it” whatever “make it” means.

And do it because you love doing it. Don’t do it to be known.
You are already known. Isaiah 49:16

Are You Ready to Leave your Bucket at the Well For Jesus?

There was once this girl named Jamie. Jamie desperately wanted to be and feel loved. In middle school, she was a people pleaser because she believed that being good enough would give her love. When that didn’t work, she lost a lot of weight and discovered make-up, making herself more desirable to boys. When boyfriend and a size 0 didn’t work, she thought that being more “Christian” would work. She read the Bible every day, memorized scripture and even enrolled in college for Ministry. When that didn’t work, she was left broken and shattered like a piece of glass that falls to the floor.

I am Jamie in this story and Jamie is a lot of you.

If I can be honest (and if its too honest, well, stop reading), I am worn out. I keep placing these unattainable standards on my life all for the sake of wanting to be loved. If I can just study the Bible enough, I will finally be loved by God. If I do enough for EBTV, I will be loved by God. If I can just not complain and not gossip, He will love me more.

God buzzes in …Wrong answer…False…and puts a Big “X” over my lists

The truth is, there is still a part of me that doesn’t trust Him. Sure, I can give Him my finances. I can give Him my relationships. I can give Him my plans…but, there is still a part of me that won’t let Him love me.  And the other day it hit me right in the face “The well is Deep” John 4:11

There is sadly a part of me that doesn't really believe that He can satisfy the desperate need I have for love.

More than that, do I believe I deserve His love, am I even loveable? I hate writing this. Even more, I hate admitting that there is some truth to this.

“The well is too deep”. I just don’t think you can fix my heart Jesus. I just don’t think you can really be enough for me. I am not sure how I am going to survive if I let you have every single part of my heart because what if you leave. What if I let you in and you hurt me? Even more, what if I let you in and nothing happens…nothing changes?

Memories of rejection burned a piece of my heart that has been the hardest one to patch up.
But Jesus doesn't want to patch it up, He wants to give me a completely new heart... and He can't do that until I let Him in, all of Him.

So, maybe this is where I start. Admitting to God (and myself) that I don’t think I am loveable.

Maybe, instead of trying to earn my love, I sit and I wait ,I rest and I just be.

Maybe this is just part of the process

To start, I let Jesus do what He does best, heart surgery.

The pain, the tears, the burning, the aching…it’s what He has to do in order to replace my heart of stone with a heart of hope.

One day I will be able to leave my water bucket at the well because I will finally see that whatever is inside the well, I won’t even need anymore.

One day I will be able to say 100%, not 98.5%, not even 99.9%, my God is enough for me.  

Check Your Heart...

Jealousy. Pride. Arrogance. Envy.

I have been all four.

I was jealous when my boyfriend in college left me for a friend. 

I was prideful when I thought my looks and weight would get me a job after college. 

I was arrogant when I thought I deserved a better job because I had a college degree.

I was envious just the other day when I saw another proposal posted online.

If we are all brutally honest, I think we all struggle with these 4 ugly, ugly words.

It's very easy for me to go to church, sing the worship songs, raise my hand in agreement with the pastor and smile and hug my friends like everything is ok. Act like nothing is wrong….because this has somehow become the Christian way. 

I think it's a good thing we can't see what one another are really thinking and feeling because we would probably be very taken back if we saw what everyone was really like at times. 

Just the other day I was reading my devotional when it had me turn to 2 Corinthians 13:4…well, I accidentally turned to 1 Corinthians 13:4 (very intentional on God's part) "Love is patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude".

Now I have heard this scripture over and over…weddings…"A Walk to Remember" (only the best movie ever)…but, for the first time, I felt like God was talking right to me. 

"Check your heart Amy"

Being 30 and single is hard. Being 30 years old, still in school, still somewhat lost on what God is leading me to is also very hard. If ever the devil could make me start to doubt God's plan for my life, it would be now. If ever there was a time to start being envious of everyone around me having babies, getting promotions, getting married and so on..it would be now. If ever there was a time to not want to celebrate with my friends victories, it would be now. 

 In the age of social media (where everyone's life is better online..guaranteed) we can become very envious and jealous of others successes. We can look at what everyone has and suddenly feel like we aren't good enough. Maybe it's time to get of Facebook and get into the Word? (just a thought:))

There is something wrong with me when I can't be happy for my friend who just got her dream job. There is  something wrong with my heart when I can't be encouraged when my friend gets promoted. There is something wrong with my heart when I can't be joyful for my friends. 

So, check yourself. How well do you handle others accomplishments? How well do celebrate your friends victories? 

If we are Christians, we are CALLED to do this. 

If I can't be happy for my friends and others, then I don't really believe God is good and I must not really trust His Word when He says in Jeremiah 29:11 "I have a good plan for your life".

So, instead of letting jealousy poke it's little (and ugly) head in my life, I am challenged to really be joyful when good things happen to my friends and others, knowing that God still has a plan for my life…a GOOD plan…and He hasn't forgotten about me...or you. 

If I Only Would Have Waited

Today while I was searching through my old basket of journals and books, I found an earring that had been missing. There was nothing special about this earring. It had no significant value. It was probably one that I bought from Target months ago.

This was the earring I have been searching for for the past two weeks. However, a few days ago I got sick of looking for the missing hoop so I decided to throw the one I had away.

Today, I found the missing piece.

I was so upset with myself. Why did I not look harder? Why did I not hold onto the other earring just a little bit longer? Why..Why..Why?

You can only imagine how I get over things that are of greater value than a $10 pair of earrings…

Immediately after this incident,  I was reminded that this is often my response with God. 

"Ok God, I have waited long enough on that job to come through so I think I will go ahead and take the other one that was already offered to me". "Ok God, I have waited long enough on whoever You want me to be and I just don't think you are going to follow through, so I am just going to settle for someone who I probably shouldn't be with, but who is available". "Ok God, I have waited long enough for You to guide me with my future so I think I am just going to take it into my own hands". 

You see where I am going with this. 

All the while God is saying, "if you only knew what was ahead…if you only knew what amazing plan I have for your life….if you only knew where your decision is going to lead you….if you would have only waited.."

When we can't take the waiting anymore, we go into panic mode and find something to grab onto. We don't like how it feels to have to completely trust God. Trust me,  I know. It feels like you are on a tight rope walking over the Grand Canyon. Anxious, scared, doubtful and terrified of what will happen after each step.

But this is what God requires. 

He requires us to jump off the tight rope and into the canyon of the unknown. 

He wants us to trust Him beyond our comprehension. He wants us to trust Him when it doesn't make sense and when life doesn't look so good. He requires us to trust Him because He is God. 

Countless times I have taken the lead and have gone against God's plan for my life because I have been tired of waiting. 

It feels like I have been abandoned by God and it feels like I have been forgotten. 

It "Feels"...

Feelings lie. 

The truth is that God will never abandon me or anyone else. The truth is that God delays and makes us wait sometimes because He wants to be the One glorified. 

And when it finally happens, when you do receive the job you want, when you do meet that special someone, when the addiction is overcome, when the song gets picked up, when the prodigal daughter or son comes back home, when the marriage is put back together, when the dream comes true….the glory can only be to God. 

I am reminded of something I heard at my church. "There is a God and it isn't me".

Instead of me trying to tell God what to do with my life, why don't I listen to what God is telling me to do with mine.

Right now He is saying "Wait…..Wait…Wait…Wait…and Wait"

If I only would have waited a little longer before throwing away the earring...

Hold on. You never know what God has planned.