The Treadmill

For some reason, odd things happen to me on the treadmill.

First of all, the loudest and clearest I have ever heard God speak to me was while I was running on my parent’s treadmill in St. Louis.

It was so strong that it forced me to the ground, where I would continue to stay for the next thirty minutes.  What was supposed to be a casual run in the beginning turned out to be one of the most profound moments in my life.

 I think God likes to make extraordinary moments out of ordinary days.

The next interesting thing that happened to me on a treadmill was after I moved to Nashville.

I was running at the gym when this old man came up to me and asked, “What are you running from?”

I didn’t end up on the floor, (thank goodness because that would have looked really strange to everyone around), but his statement forced me to take a more honest look at myself.

I didn’t want to admit that I was still in need of healing.

Just because I wasn’t purging or starving myself didn’t mean that I wasn’t still holding onto the idol of image.
I realized that I cared, and if I can be honest, still care a great deal, about image.
While my soul knows the truth, that my identity is not in what I weigh, the color of my hair, the brand of my clothes, the “Miss or Mrs. ” in front of my name, my mind still wants to believe that it is. It is a constant struggle.

I was also running from myself.

I still didn’t love myself. Oh yes, I knew, and still know that God loves me and I am His prized possession (we all are), however, I didn’t like who I was.

I saw all my wrongs, my failures and continued to hold them against me.
I didn’t have the faith I thought God wanted me to have.
All I wanted was to make God proud and I felt as if I had failed.

Felt. That is the key word.
It wasn’t the truth, but my feelings convinced me it was.

I believe that God reveals different areas in our life at different moments.

He knew that it was time for me to see how idols were still controlling my life.
He knew that it was time for me to meet myself, the good things as well as the bad things, and learn to start to see myself as He does.

Then, lo and behold, the other day I had another *drum roll please* treadmill moment.

I had finished my work-out on the treadmill when the man next to me said, “Do you wear a heart monitor?”

At first I was a little offended.

I am 31, not 71. I am in good shape. I have run half marathons. I don’t need a heart monitor.
My ego was hurt. My pride was shot.

Then, as if the first time wasn’t offensive enough, he said it again, “Do you use the hand rail machine monitors to check it?”

Seriously?
Goodness, all I wanted was a work out, not an intervention moment.

I didn’t go buy a heart monitor that night but I did pray to God that my heart would keep beating, in case he foresaw something I wasn’t aware of.

I also started thinking of checking my heart in a more emotional, spiritual and reflective sense.

What do I want from life?
What do I want to do with my life?

What do I want?

It’s like a scene from the movie, Blue Crush, when the NFL players asks Kate Bosworth’s character, as she is leaving his ritzy party because she feels inadequate, “What do you want?”

Kate Bosworth’s character responds, “What do I want?...”  rather shockingly because no one has ever asked her what she has wanted.  She then goes on to tell Matt (the NFL love interest) what she wants. She tells him her dreams and her hopes.

For a second she lets herself go there.

So I asked myself later that night, “What are your desires? What do you want?”

There are the obvious ones, such as to get married, to have children, to have a good income, a retirement fund, to do God’s will for my life….

And then I felt a nudge, and the need to ask myself again, “Ok, what do YOU want?”

And for a moment, I went there…

I want to write a song. A great song. A song that changes someone’s life. A song that makes a difference.

I want to sing.  I want to sing confidentially, because I know I can. I want to sing because God has given me that talent and I haven’t given it the chance it deserves because of comparison and fear.

 I want to write. I want to write blogs and I want to write books.  I want to write words and pieces that encourage other people. I want to write in a way which is vulnerable and risky, but honest. I want to share my thoughts because I think I could help some people. 

My story isn’t perfect, but my ability to see my shortcomings, mistakes, strengths and moments of brevity can speak hope into others lives.

I want to make a dent in history, a mark on this planet.

I don’t need to be known by a lot of people, I just need to make known to someone the greatness and goodness of our God.

That is what I want.

So, I ask you…“What do you want?"

The Short End of the Stick

You didn’t get the promotion.

You didn’t get pregnant.
You got pregnant.
You didn’t get the job.
You didn't get the right test result.
You didn’t get the girl.
You didn't get the guy...


Disappointments are something many of us deal with. They come in all shapes, sizes and forms.

My life is good not great.

I’m grateful but not always happy.

Just last week I was sitting on a boat, in one of the most beautiful places on the planet, and life was just ok.
Just ok.

 Some of you may have 98% of the things you have always dreamed of.

But the 2% is what keeps you up at night.

Just the other day, I read in Genesis 13: 8-11 how Abram and Lot had to end up parting ways and going separate directions. Abram says to Lot,”Let’s not have any quarreling between your herdsmen and mine, for we are brothers. Is not the whole land before you? Let’s part company. If you go to the left, I’ll go to the right;if you go to the right, I’ll go to the left.” Lot looked up and saw that the whole plain of the Jordan was well watered, like the Garden of the Lord…so Lot chose for himself the whole plain of the Jordan”

Now, if I was Abram, I would have been pretty upset. Talk about getting the short end of the stick.

Lot gets the Louis Vitton and Abram gets the plastic bag.
Lot gets the mansion and Abram gets the shack.
Lot gets the Four Seasons and Abram gets the cardboard box….
Or so it seems.

It’s interesting to me that the Bible never discusses Abrams reaction to this incident.

Abram goes his own way, not saying a single word.

I think this is something we all could learn from, especially in situations when life doesn’t seem fair.

Shortly after Abram parts ways from Lot, we read how the Lord speaks to Abram in Genesis 13:14, saying, “Lift up your eyes from where you are and look north and south, east and west. All the land that you see I will give to you and your offspring forever.”

God knows.

He knows that sometimes life seems unfair to us. He knows that sometimes we need a little reassurance that He is still working in our lives, even when everything around us speaks otherwise.

We don’t know what is around the corner. What the next mile holds.
We can’t see the future so we don’t understand how every disappointment is actually guiding us.

We don’t grow in character if we don’t go through the disappointments and rejections.

We don’t grow in humility if we were to always get everything we always wanted.
Right now it is hard for me even to write that because that 2% part of me is pointing my finger at God saying, “Really??!?”

But God knows.

And so, like Abram, I walk and go my own way.

I continue to journey down the path that is the one God has marked out for me. And even though it doesn't always make sense, I still walk.
Most importantly, I keep my eyes focused on Christ and look straight ahead, not to the left at that person that just received a promotion, not to the right at my friend who just walked down the aisle, but straight ahead.

 Straight ahead towards the finish line.

I don’t need a hundred awards in my hand when I reach the end.
I don’t need a corner office when I reach the end.
I don’t need a full bank account when I reach the end.
I don’t need the straightest teeth, a wrinkle free face and or the smallest waist size when I reach the end.
I don't need my list of charities I've contributed to.
I don't need my list of good deeds.
I don’t even need a marriage certificate when I reach the end.

What I do need is a heart that has been humbled, a life that has been selfless and a hand that has always been reached out to help others up and along on their own journey.