Finding Your Voice

While I am not a huge Nashville TV show fan, I do enjoy the music.

Actually, my favorite songs are the ones that the character’s on the show, Gunnar and Scarlett perform.
If you have never listed to, “It’s Not Yours To Throw Away,”  or, “Lately,” do it. Do it now.
If you are like me, you will be sobbing on the floor, promising yourself that you will hold on to your dream, at all costs.

One day, I went online and to see who the writers were on one particular song from the tv show.  

I then contacted one of them, asking for a songwriting lesson.
To my surprise, this person agreed.

This person told me to bring three of my original songs, lyrics and all.
After I shared my story, I played my songs, nervously.

My voice was shaking, my fingers messed up the chords, but I got through.
After I set the guitar down, this person went on to tell me things I did well, and things I could improve on.
After the technical issues, they then told me their story.

This writer said that after they had received their first publishing deal, they wracked their brain over how to write for current Nashville, (trucks, beer, alcohols, girls, cowboys..” ) you get the idea.

And it worked.
They got cuts, and made a few bucks.

But then, after exhaustingly trying to figure out what a Nashville pop star and publisher wanted, they started writing for themselves.   

They stopped trying to look the part, and just be truthful to what they knew, be truthful to themselves.

When they stopped trying to be what they thought Nashville wanted, they flourished, and flew.

They told me to keep doing exactly what I am doing. They told me to sing my songs out at open mic nights, playing my guitar and the few chords I know.

Basically just reiterating what the people around me have been telling me for awhile.

After our session finished, as I was packing up, they said, “You have already found what many songwriters spend their whole lives trying to find…you have found your voice.”

The significance of this statement is profound.

After the first voice/songwriting lesson I had after I moved to Nashville, nearly 2 years ago, the teacher said, “I want you to find your voice."

I left the lesson crying, because I didn’t know how.  

It’s been a long couple years.  

I’ve messed up on stage, I’ve forgotten the words, and many times, I’ve wanted to run away, and out of Nashville.

I have a long way to go, a lot more mistakes to make, a lot more bridges to cross, and cliffs to jump off (symbolically speaking of course)

 However, this morning, I realized I am at least on my way.
Baby steps, and occasionally, a large leap.

Have you found your voice?  

In other words, have you found your truth?
Have you stripped off the layers, the masks, the shell, and found what makes you, you?
Have you slowed down, and looked into the deep places of your soul?

It’s not easy, and is actually frightening, when you are introduced to yourself.

You find things that you would rather not find.
You see places in your heart which are not very pretty.
You also find your raw talents, and gifting.

I recently saw a quote the other day which caught my eye.

Jim Kwik writes, “It an egg is broken by outside force, life ends. If broken by inside force, life begins.”

 You are so much more capable than you realize.

Perhaps you haven’t even found that thing that brings your soul to life, that thing which ignites the fire within, that thing which makes your feel closer to Heaven.
But you will.  
Oh, you will.
It may even surprise you how it happens.

If you could see the potential that is placed in you, you would truly be amazed.

Today, I was amazed.

 It’s time to find your voice.  

The Courage to Quit

I didn't plan on quitting my job this week. 

If you have spent any amount of time with me, you know that I am not a number person. 

And for the past year and a half, I have somehow managed to fit my right brain into a left brain job. 

Until today. 

Yesterday, I started training for a new position. This new position gave me a office, a office with a door I might add, and much more responsibility. 

8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, I would be staring at my computer screen, entering numbers, and looking at rates. 

Last night, after the only one day of training, I had a panic attack. 

In fact, I had the worst panic attack I have had in a long time. 

I knew something was wrong when I suddenly dropped the glass I was holding, and started shaking uncontrollably. 

I called my my mom, and my aunt, crying hysterically, while rocking back and forth on my bed. 

"Please, just talk to me. Tell my I'm going to be alright," I cried.

"Please, just tell me I am not going to die," I cried. 

If you have never had a panic attack, it feels like a million years of doom. It feels as if I am stuck in a groundhog-day of hopelessness, and intense fear. 

It feels like hell. 

I wasn't going to get this honest, but I believe that only through honesty, can we find healing. 

Not only did I have a panic attack last night, but I also retreated back to the demon of bulimia. 

It was the worst night I have had in a long time. 

And after the panic left, the fear subsided, and grace washed over me,  I knew I had to quit.

I didn't sleep much last night, because I knew what awaited me in the morning. 

Even as I drove to work this morning, I kept trying to convince myself of all the reasons I shouldn't quit. 

1.) It's a paycheck

2.) It's a paycheck

3.) It's a paycheck

It all came down to a paycheck.

I realized I was trusting in money, rather than my God.

After I told my boss I wasn't going to accept the position, I said my goodbyes to fellow co-workers/friends, and walked out of the office carrying the flowers that my friend had sent me last week. 

As I was driving down I-65 South, I braced myself for the tears. 

But, surprisingly, they didn't come. 

What came was a poem. 

Sometimes it takes more courage to quit, than stay. 

Nothing, no job, no amount of money, no person, is worth that amount of anxiety. 

Nothing is worth falling back into the hell of bulimia for. 

Where to go from here? 

I don't know. 

What I do know, is that everything will be ok. 

I know I have a God who cares for me, Who knows the exact amount of hairs I have on my over-bleached, over-processed blonde head. He knows my talents,  and He knows my desires. He knew I was going to quit even before I did. 

Right now, the question, isn't what am I going to do?

Right now, the question, is will I trust Him or not? 

"Brighter Days"

Put my two weeks in

At work today

Grabbed my flowers

Quickly walked away

Didn't turn around

Or look behind

No second guesses

If my choice was right

Let go and let in

A new kind of free

Time to take a chance

On my destiny

Sometimes quitting

Is the only way

And some goodbyes

Lead to brighter days

Leaving all you know

for whats beyond

Cause you can't stay

Where you don't belong

Not sure what to do

Or where I'll go

Leave it up to life

To give me a clue

Breathe out and in 

A new kind of free

 Take a chance

On my destiny

Sometimes quitting

Is the only way

Some goodbyes 

Lead to brighter days

The unknown screams

Like stormy clouds

But only after the rain

Can a rainbow be found

Monsters in the Closet

I never had nightmares as a child.

I wasn’t scared of the monsters in my closet, or alligators under my bed.
I wasn’t scared of anything.

Then I moved to Nashville…

And the nightmares started.

A funny thing is that these nightmares started shortly after I started singing out in public again.

Two years ago, a complete stranger saw hidden potential in me, encouraging me to take a step out of my comfort zone, and onto the stage.

Singing on stage, meant overcoming insecurities that had held me hostage for over 16 years.
Singing on stage, meant breaking free from the fear of criticism, and comparison.
Singing meant healing.

My dad told my mom, a long time ago, “I know Amy will be free when she is singing again.”

I have been held down by fear for the majority of my life.

From bulimia, to people pleasing.
From perfectionism, to comparison.

But that all changed when this stranger, turned biggest fan, kept pushing me.

With every note, I am gaining a new found confidence.
With every note, the enemy is a little less in control.
Consequently, with every note, the enemy fights stronger.
The enemy fights stronger, because he knows the threat my freedom brings.

Perhaps it is just coincidence, but I think the nightmares are an effort of the one who hates me, to keep me locked inside the hell I was living.

I think the one who hates me, would love nothing more than me to stop music, stop singing, and stop stepping on stage.
I think the one who hates me, wants nothing more for me to continue being afraid.
I think the one who hates me, knows what a threat I will be, and already am, for helping others break free of their fear.

Someone once told me that the enemy is like a toothless dog. His bark is loud, fierce, and scary, but when push comes to shove, he is worthless.

There is One, Who is stronger, bigger, and greater, helping me overcome.

My friend sent me a picture from a performance I did the other night. I saw the little girl in me, who once loved singing Disney songs in front of people. I saw the little girl in me, who didn’t care about her weight and size. I saw the little girl in me, who could care less about her awkward knees. I saw the little girl in me, who didn’t long to be perfect. I saw the little girl in me, loving life, and loving herself.

If nightmares mean I am doing something right, then let them continue.

We have all heard the quote, “Everything you want lies on the other side of fear,” countless times.

But oh, how it is so true.

Maybe like me, it will take you a lot of little steps to break free of your fear.

Maybe like me, you will put one toe in the water first, before you jump in.
What matters is that you start.

Your freedom isn’t just for you, it’s for others, some you don’t even know, and will never meet.

Your freedom can help others break free.
Your freedom can help others find hope, and healing.

Come nightmares, come panic attacks, come sleepless nights, come tears, whatever you do, do not stay hidden.

Do not stay locked inside a cell that you were never meant to be in.

Perhaps this is a motivational message just for me, a reminder to keep being brave, a reminder to keep going…

or maybe, it is for someone else, someone who needs to take a step of courage.

 “Everything you want is on the other side of fear” Jack Canfield