I've Made you to Sing

ENDURE

Endure. This is exactly what I needed to hear this morning. 

Last night, I was close to quitting the one thing that I knew I needed to be doing. Music. 

Many of you who know me know I don't sing in front of people. I am painfully shy in this area. I used to not even open my mouth at church during worship because I didn't want anyone to hear me ( I have gotten a little bit better in this area). 

You would never know that I used to be comfortable on stage and in front of the light. You would never know that in high school, I used to perform in musicals and singing competitions. You would never know that I used to want to pursue music. 

All that changed when the eating disorder took control of my life. I stopped performing. I stopped pursuing music. I stopped singing. In fact, I would not sing a single note in front of people for the next 10 years of my life. 

What I did do the next 10 years was write. 

I started journaling  and writing poems every single day. I didn't talk about what I was feeling, I wrote about it.  

I would give up my car, my apartment and my college degree before I would give away my journals. I never want to get rid of those because I can look back and see how far I have come. 

Two specific things happened that started me thinking about music again. The first thing was a prophecy I received. It was God telling me He was bringing something back out again of me that I had hid and locked away. The second thing was a treadmill experience. Before you start to roll your eyes and think "this girl is crazy" which you may think already…let me remind you of something. God spoke through a burning bush and a donkey..I'm pretty sure He can use anything He wants to speak to us. For me, it was a treadmill. 

I was running and going about my normal routine when TD Jakes came on the station and started preaching on direction and embracing what God has called us to do. I was half heartedly listening when at the end of the program Jakes started praying. The next thing I heard was God telling me, "I've made you to sing". I know 100% this was God. I can't tell you how I know it, but I know it. 

I started shaking and crying because I had not thought about music in such a long time. Shaking turned into crying. Crying turned into sobbing and before I knew it, I was on the floor balling my eyes out to God. 

How would I even do this? Could I even sing again? 

That was the moment I started singing again.That was the moment I started rediscovering my voice. 

 I remember going to a voice teacher and telling her, " I don't know if I can even sing still".  Surprisingly, I still could. 

Fast forward to today. 

I still don't like singing in front of people. For some reason, I feel like if I don't sound like Carrie Underwood or Natalie Grant, I shouldn't sing in public. 

I am slowly gaining confidence in my voice. This is a painful and hard process. Everyday I want to give up. I have quit so many times before…it's just what I normally do. 

So last night I had had it. I was frustrated that I couldn't get the chords I needed on the guitar. I was frustrated that I couldn't come up with the lyrics I wanted. I was tired of practicing and was tired of believing anything could come from this. 

Not that I am not trying to be the next Carrie Underwood, Natalie Grant or even have any sort of record deal. All I want is to be able to sing the words I write. All I want is to be able to get up one day in front of people and sing without fainting. 

I went to bed telling God I was done. I had tried and I had failed.  I was done. 

God wouldn't let me quit and insisted on reminding me of that this morning. 

When I opened my devotional and saw ENDURE, I knew He was speaking to me. "How many of the world's prayers have gone unanswered because my children who prayed did not endure to the end…they thought it was too late and that they must act for themselves, that I was not going to act for them". 

This could mean a hundred different things to a hundred different people. For me, it was God telling me, "Don't give up".

I may not sing in front of people for 5,8 maybe even 10 years. But what matters is I don't give up. 

So I'll continue learning guitar and becoming frustrated. I'll continue taking voice lessons and getting lectured every lesson to have more confidence in my voice. 

Who knows what music has to do in my future? Who knows what God will do with my words and my voice? 

It's not for me to figure out. He has called me to sing….So, that is what I will do. I sing and let Him deal with the rest. 

"Now to Him, who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within us" Ephesians 3:20

When God Calls You Out

I got called out big time by God through today's devotional. 

"Be still, be calm. Wait before Me. Learn of Me, patience, humility, peace. When will you be absolutely unruffled whatever happens? You are slow to learn your lesson. In the rush and work and worry, the very seeking a silence must help. In bustle, so little is accomplished." God Calling-A.J.Russell

Conviction. It hurts. It is embarrassing. It is not fun. 

You see I need a job. In fact, I have needed a job since January. I'm pretty sure I have applied to 200 different places, sent my resume to everyone I know and have asked for help. I am not good at asking for help because there is still a sense of, "I can do this" mentality in me. 

Today I let my anxiety get the best of me. I looked at my bank account and immediately went into default mode. Stressed, panicked and anxious. 

So I did what any person would do...I called my mom. 

She usually offers amazing advice and somehow is able to reassure me that everything will be alright. Well, today was different. No words of encouragement, no "hang in there, somethings coming". She only listened. 

That phone call didn't go as expected.

Finally, I went to place I should have gone first, my devotional and Bible. And there it hit me, straight in the gut, straight to my heart. "You are slow to learn your lesson". 

How many times have I gone around this mountain? Believing that God won't show up and won't provide (even though every single time He does). 

Why is this lesson so hard to learn?

I hate silence, I dislike waiting and I have a hard time being still. But this is what God requires. He tells us to wait, in expectation, for Him to show up. He is our only sense of Peace in this ever-changing, crazy world.

Right now He is telling me to wait, be still and to believe in Him. These really are the worst words you can hear if you are a controlling, self sufficient, works based person. 

So I wait….and I go around this mountain one more time. 

God promises to provide. It's not He may provide, it is He WILL provide.  

I know that there will eventually be a job. Maybe not next week, maybe not even the week after, but there will be one. 

This doesn't mean I don't apply at places and continue to look for something. Maybe it means I give up my Starbucks and Target visits (ok, I know it means those things).
It means I do my part and let Him do the rest. 

God often shows up when I least expect it. It is usually the time I stop looking that He brings something along. You would think I would get the point after 29 years of this. In fact, my life reflects Philippians 4:19. He provided the money when my dog needed heart surgery. He provided Mercy Ministries when I needed help. He provided a place to live in Nashville at the last minute. He provided a church that I love. He provided friends that have changed my life. He even provided a way for me to go back to school.

Maybe this time I will finally learn my lesson. Perhaps this is the last time I will have to go around this mountain. Regardless of what happens, this truth remains: HE WILL PROVIDE.

Relationship Status: It's Complicated

Last week in church, my pastor Pete Wilson asked us each to compare our relationship with God using a Facebook status. Mine is as followed...

In a Relationship: Yes

With Who: God

Relationships Status: "It's Complicated"

"It's Complicated". Very complicated. In fact, it changes on a regular basis. 

Some days are better than others. Some days I can sense God everywhere around me and my faith is steady and firm. Other days, my faith seems to be non existent and I seem to question what I even believe. 

Ephesians 4:14 says "then you will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind". 

Some days…I am a infant. 

It doesn't matter if I read the Bible 100 times a day, listen to worship music 24/7, go to church every Sunday and even get my degree in Ministry. Some days faith it hard. 

Just the other week I was on my knees crying out to God, questioning everything I believed. Does God even exist? Does God even care about my situation? Do I even believe in Jesus? 

I know this seems ridiculous but it's the truth. Just because you are in Ministry does not exempt you from fighting doubt. 

But…if we are all honest, sometimes it's hard to believe. 

It's hard to believe when God doesn't show up. It's hard to believe when we get bad news. It's hard to believe when we always seem to be stuck circling around the same mountain for 10, 20, even 40 years.

Like any single young women who longs to be married before 35, I want a relationship. In fact, since this is all about honesty, I believe I deserve a relationship. 

I can understand why I didn't have one before when I was stuck in the addiction. I was a mess and couldn't handle a relationship. But now, I am free and I am healthy(not to mean that you can't have a relationships if you are fighting a battle. I just knew myself and knew I couldn't have one). 

So why do I remain always the bridesmaid and never the bride? 

What is worse is that I am the only one in my family not married (and soon to probably be the only one without kids). 

God says that He is enough. He is better than any relationship or any guy I could ever find on this Earth. Why will I not let Him be enough? 

So I continue to throw pity parties and ask Him why He has not held up His end of the deal (this imaginary deal I have created in my mind).  

These are the issues that make my relationships complicating with God. When He doesn't appear to be pulling through, I struggle at even opening my Bible. 

But God knows my struggle. God knows my fears and my doubts. He knows my desires and He knows when it is hard for me to have faith that He will come through. He doesn't judge, rather He loves me through it. He knows that at the end of the day, I will always come running back to Him because it is the only place I can go. He knows that I will fall right back into His arms when this life is too much for me to handle. My doubt doesn't bother Him and He can definitely handle my pity parties.

"Where can I flee from your presence.If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, If I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast" (Psalms 138:7-10) 

God knows it can be complicating. 

The Prodigal Daughter

My life has been the exact opposite of what I had hoped for as a child. 

I always wanted the normal, easy and comfortable life. I thought by 30 years old I would be married with two kids, driving an SUV and living comfortably in the suburbs. Instead, I am not married, no kids, no SUV and living in the city. 

The truth is….I don't want the white picket fence home, 2 kids, 1 dog, American Dream life anymore. 

 I grew up in Fort Wayne, Indiana. My dad worked in business and my mom was a first-grade teacher. They always provided for my brother and me and we seemed like the typical middle American family. 

I was happy…until middle school. I began to start comparing myself to my friends. I quickly realized that I was bigger in size than the most of them, not "fat" but definitely "chubby". For the first time, I felt different and inadequate. 

This led to an extreme diet on which I lost 20 pounds in 1 month. Being thin was my drug. It made me feel important, I was noticed, guys thought I was pretty for the first time in my life and I was hooked. 

I vowed to do whatever it took to stay skinny. This mindset turned into Anorexia which then turned into Bulimia. 

I had to eat because my parents started watching my weight and food intake. In order to not gain weight, I would purge everything I put into my body. 

This obsession to stay small ruled every area of my life. I stopped going out with friends, I became full of anger and hate towards everyone that loved me, and I quickly lost all hope for my life. 

The funny thing about eating disorders is that they have nothing to do with food. I was struggling not from wanting to be skinny but from a need for acceptance and love. I learned at an early age that being attractive matters in this world. I believed the lie that being thin was an identity. 

I was exhausted. This addiction followed me wherever I went. Middle school into high school and then through college. Countless therapists and treatment centers only taught me how to beat the system. I was a pro at recovery tactics and I knew every trick in the books. 

The truth was, I didn't want to get rid of my addiction. I wanted help but I wasn't willing to give up the only thing which gave me a sense of control. The effects of bulimia cost me my job, caused me to crash my car, wasted thousands of dollars on food and cost my parents thousands of money for treatments that didn't work. But that still wasn't enough. It wasn't until my life hit rock bottom that I realized I was going to die if I didn't fight to break free from this addiction…and a fight was what it was going to take. 

I was 24, living at home, jobless despite having a degree, severely underweight, depressed and holding on only by a thread. I remember going on a walk with my mom one day when she said something that cut through to my cold heart. 

She said, "Amy, I would give up my life if that meant that you could be free." 

I hadn't cried in 9 years and after that walk, I felt tears start to gather in my eyes. 

For the first time, I realized that this addiction was not only ruining my life, it was ruining other's lives as well. 

I wish I could say that that conversation was enough for me to get serious about recovery, but it didn't. 

After an intense binge purge episode I saw my life flash before my eyes. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel my arms, I couldn't feel anything. I was dying and I didn't know how to stop it. I cried out to God for the first time in a long time. I screamed at Him and asked Him why He let me get to this point. Why didn't He stop it? Why didn't He deliver me? I was both fuming and brokenhearted that this addiction took my life. I remember thinking that I hadn't helped any young girls like I wanted to do. I didn't want to die. 

In the midst of my screaming, I heard God say in the loudest/softest voice, "Pray."

I already thought I was dead but I got down on my hands and knees anyway and cried out to Him. I told Him I was sorry.

A beautiful thing happened that night. I didn't die. God kept me alive and He gave me a new hope I had not had in a long time. I knew that the road to recovery was going to be long but I was ready to fight with everything  I had for my life. 

Shortly after that night, I applied to and was accepted by Mercy Ministries (a Christian treatment center) and was on my way to a long road of healing. 

The road has not been easy. I have failed as many times as I have succeeded. But it has gotten easier and I have realized that the best way to get over it is to go through it. I had to confront feelings and emotions that I had not felt in 10 years. The process has been slow but worth it. 

Last year I moved to Nashville to start school at Belmont for a degree in Ministry.

God never gave up on me, even when I hated Him and even when I wanted nothing to do with Him. He had His hand on my life the whole time and refused to let go. He answered my prayer for freedom, not in the way I expected, rather in the way that was necessary for permanent change.