A Little Less Talk, A Little More Action

I may have been broken up with because I asked for a date. 

Why we were dating before we even had a, "date", continues to be a mystery to me.

Now, before you start coming up with assumptions about me, hear me out for one second...

I am prissy. 

I am not high maintenance.
There is a big difference.

I wasn't asking for some 5 course meal, white table cloth evening out.
I would have been happy with Chuy's chips and happy hour menu.

Oh, but let me tell you, he talked the talk.

He wrote me every morning, told me I was amazing, told me I was pretty, even told me he wanted me to visit his hometown.

I mean, I know I'm a female, but I got the sense from his words that he was fairly into me.

In my opinion, He talked the talk but failed to walk the walk.

If any guy is reading this, here is a tip: Actions speak louder than words.

If you like her, pursue her.

It's that simple.

And then last night I was taking to my friend about faith. We were both agreeing that sometimes the journey is exhausting.

Faith can be hard and nothing but a struggle at times.
And then she wrote me, "He (God), won't let you fall, it's a step of faith".

And then BAM, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I felt God say straight to my heart, "Actions speak louder than words, Amy".

and I got a taste of my own medicine.

I love reading about God and faith. I love learning about the Bible. I love Beth Moore Bible studies. I love sharing my testimony, taking about faith, talking about scriptures, taking about Jesus...I love talking.
A Lot.
But, acting on faith...not so much.
 

The whole, "Get out of the boat and walk on water" deal I kind of suck at.

I'm more of a Martha than a Peter. 

I've never had to give with nothing in my bank account.

Like Abraham, I've never had to leave the comfort of my home for an unknown future.

But, it's time.
 

As I write that,  I hear Julia Roberts southern voice in Steel Magnolias when she says " Daddy, it's time, it's time"

Except there is no wedding, just God telling me, "Amy, it's time".

Minus the southern accent.

It's time to activate my faith more than ever.

It's time to be stretched.
It's time to trust Him when everything in me desires to do it my way.
It's time to step up and into a future built on solely blind faith.
There's not telling where God is leading me.
But I must go.

My faith so far have been like a barefoot boom.
I have  my feet on the water, but am still holding on to the boat.
And that has been ok for a season.
But God is calling me to let go and trust that He is there.
It's time to let Him lead.
 

Talk is cheap.

Words are easy.

Faith is a verb.

Step. Walk. Tip toe. Run. Crawl. Jump. Sprint. 

It doesn't matter how you go, just go.

 

“Don’t tell me about your God with your words. Show me about your God with your actions.”

-Steve Maraboli  

Last Night: The Truth About Temptation

This may be one on the hardest blogs for me to post. If not the hardest, one of the most vulnerable.

I even prayed before posting it, asking God if it was something that He would want me to share, because there was a big part of me that didn’t want to.

But then I came to this scripture in Matthew, and I knew His answer was yes.

“What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs” Matthew 10:27

As I type this out, my hands are shaking and my heart beat is increasing.

But here goes.

Last night started out as a pretty normal night. I got off work, sat in traffic for way too long, went to the gym, came home and fixed myself dinner.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt the urge to throw up.  Not the, I feel sick-fluish feeling, the bulimia kind of throw up. 

My dinner was incredibly healthy so it had nothing to do with the food, eating disorders don’t usually.

But, that didn’t matter.

I sat at the kitchen table for what seemed to be 20 minutes.

I was frozen in my steps but my mind was going about a hundred times a minute.

It was a battle between my past and my present. It was a war between my heart and my soul. It was a fight between my will and my feelings.

Ultimately, I didn’t give in to the screeching voice of bulimia.

Instead I went upstairs, as far away from the bathroom as I could, and cried.

I didn’t feel victorious. I didn’t feel better.

I was mad. I wanted to give in. I wanted to not have to face my feelings. I didn’t want to think about my life or future. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I was upset with God for not letting me go down that path, just for the night.

And then I watched two videos on Facebook that made me cry even harder.

One was about the ISIS and the death of so many innocent adults and children.

The other was from someone talking about living with ALS.

Here I was, wanting to give in to a temptation that would only gratify the flesh for about 15 minutes…

And there was the rest of the world. So many people hurting and broken. Children who never got the chance to grow up. Bodies shutting down and lives being cut way too short.

My tears turned from rage and anger to sadness and pain.

I asked God to show me how I could help, how I could make a difference. I asked God to open my eyes to the bigger picture in life, beyond my room, beyond Nashville, beyond America.

I asked God to use me.

Now, if I would have given into bulimia, God wouldn’t have loved me any less. He wouldn’t have been unhappy with me. He wouldn’t have punished me for it.

For the longest time I thought recovery was going “X” amount of days without throwing up. For some, maybe it’s not having a drink, or not cutting.

That’s not recovery in my eyes anymore.

I believe recovery is getting back up every time you fall down.

And after I cried out to Him, I took out my note pad and wrote.

I didn’t know what I was even writing but the words kept coming.

I have never shared my poems or songs on my blog, but this one felt necessary.

My tears have taught me more about God’s love than any sermon or preacher ever will.

If you know how it feels to want to give in to something so bad, keep fighting.

If you give in, get back up and try again.

If you feel helpless for all the pain and suffering going on around you, you aren’t alone.

And if you feel lost, I can promise you, that you have already been found.

After I wrote it, I realized that it wasn’t my letter to God, it was God’s letter to me.

When the words don’t come,

When the music stops,

When I don’t feel near,

When you feel lost.

Surrounded by darkness,

Can’t find your way out,

You fight back tears,

You scream and shout.

Wonder where I am,

Or if I even care,

It’s not till you get silent,

That you can finally hear.

I whisper “Child, I love you”,

I’ll never leave your side,

I know it hurts and I know you’re sad,

And you want to know why.

Even when you don’t believe in me,

I believe in you,

I know you’re heart,

Better than you do.

You can let go,

Cause I’m holding on to you,

Go on and give up this fight,

I’m gonna get you through.

Cry if you must,

Shake your fists in the air,

Run away from me,

But know I am always there.

And when you can’t run anymore,

Too tired and too scared,

When you finally reach the end,

I’ll speak so you can hear.

I whisper “Child, I love you”,

I’ll never leave your side,

I know it hurts and I know you’re sad,

And you want to know why.

Even when you don’t believe in me,

I believe in you,

I know you’re heart,

Better than you do.

You can let go,

Cause I’m holding on to you,

Go on and give up this fight,

I’m gonna get you through.

The Penny: Why Your Wish Matters

I have a slight obsession with water.

I’ll take a lake, pool, ocean (minus the sharks), pond or sprinkler over land any day. 

One of my favorite things to do up at our lake cottage is go out on the pier early in the morning.

I take the current book I am reading and my journal.
While the rest of my family is inside eating breakfast, I am alone on the water. The only thing around me is the occasional fishing boat passing by.

I write and I listen.

One thing I also like to do on the water is make wishes.

Often times I write my wishes in my journal or speak them softly to God.
Sometimes I use a penny.

There is a wishing well, except not really a well, at the Country Music Hall of Fame in Nashville.

The first time I saw it, I thought about how many dreams were in that pool.
Countless pennies from songwriters, in hopes of having someone pick up their song.
Numerous pennies from artists, in hopes of getting a record label.

I remember throwing my penny in the first time I visited it.

My wish was that Kelly Clarkson would pick up one of the first songs I wrote, “Time to Shine”. 

Last week, my friend and I were lost in downtown Nashville, trying to find my car.
Out of the blue, we found this little pond in the back of a bank.
I took a penny out, made my wish and threw it in the water.
I was watching as it sunk to the bottom, causing a ripple effect.

I caught myself asking God if my wish was ok.

My wish does not involve starting some huge non-profit, going over-seas and becoming a missionary, working at a church, going to seminary, becoming a counselor, pastor’s wife or even pastor.

I started questioning if my wish was, “Christian” enough.

And then God answered, “Yes”.

As I was looking at my penny falling graciously to the bottom, I noticed the ripples it had caused.

Ripple, upon ripple, upon ripple.
And then I understood.

My wish is important.

My dream can help others pursue their dreams…
Those people's dream can then encourage other people to pursue their dream….

And so on.

The ripple effect.

Your dream matters, not only for you, but for others as well.

No wish is too small or too insignificant, too “Christian” or not “Christian” enough.

Believe in your wish.

Listen to your desires.
Trust your dreams.
The world needs you to go after your dream.

"Don’t ask what the world needs, ask what makes you come alive and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive” Howard Thurman

The Golden Ticket

Saturday night, one of my dreams came true.

I have lived in Nashville for 2 years and 7 months. Since being here, I have tried numerous times to go to The Bluebird. Every single time fell through for some reason.

Eventually, I stopped trying.

Saturday morning I woke up to a message through Facebook. It was someone from Mercy Ministries, asking me if I would like to share my testimony at The Bluebird that night.

I didn't think twice.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.

As I was getting ready, I started laughing.
Isn't it ironic that it wasn't until I stopped trying to get tickets, that I finally was able to get one?
Not only that, but I would also be given the chance to share my faith. That was definitely a bonus.
I couldn't have asked for a better first visit to the famous music venue.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me.

There was the one time I frantically started applying to every job under the sun.
No response. No call back.
Nothing.
It wasn't until I stopped applying and stopped looking that I finally landed one.  

There was also the time I finally gave up looking for a relationship.
I was relatively new to Nashville and wanted a boyfriend desperately.
From Starbucks to the Green Hill YMCA, every guy was a potential candidate.
Nothing.
Not one.
It wasn't until a random Saturday at a clothing boutique that I met a guy who I would date for a moment in time.
Even though it didn't last, I remember how God brought him into my life when I stopped obsessing over it.

Surrender.

I dislike even typing the word.

I like control.

I like to know.

Surrender is giving up the control.
Surrender is allowing life to happen.
Surrender is saying, "I give up".

Surrender is actually one of the bravest things you can do.

The most amazing things have happened when I have stopped trying to control my life.

The most beautiful relationships have formed when I stop trying to order my fate.
The most profound moments have occurred when I have loosened my grip on the world and its desires.

Much like sailing up at the lake we are on in Michigan, I can try and control the boat, but I will never be able to control the wind.

Ultimately, I don't have the final say.

But thank goodness for that.

My life would be a horrid wreck if I was the master of it.

I'm thankful for a God who has control over everything, even the wind.

What I do know is that His plan is better than our plans.
Even when they don't seem to make sense.
Even when they appear to be filled with tragedy and disappointments.
He promises that the end will be worth it.
 

If we let Him in, God will use us in ways that will blow our mind.

Let it go.

Lay it down.
Because you never know when God will surprise you with your very own golden ticket to The Bluebird.  

I'm Sensitive and I'd Like To Stay That Way

If someone runs into me, I apologize. 

If I see someone getting in trouble or yelled at, I want to take the blame.

I put my heart out on the line, despite the chance of it getting trampled on. 

I will do everything I can to keep a relationship together, even when it's destined to fail. 

Recently, I told a certain someone he wouldn't want to date me because, "I'm super sensitive, not thick-skinned,  ask a lot of questions, and need a lot of reassurance…I'm a lot".

Talk about sabotaging a relationship before it can even start.

And then came his response…

He said, "I like that about you".

To which  I sarcastically said, "Lol, which part?

He said, "All of it."

I have always looked at my sensitivity and apologetic nature as flaws. 

I turn into a 4 year old if anyone raises their voice to me and I want to crawl in the fetal position if someone starts yelling. 

And if you know me well, you know that I absolutely hate confrontation.

Just this past week, I experienced a not so fun conversation that didn't end well. It was a no win situation between a friend and I. Both of us felt we were right, however, we both handled it in the wrong way. 

For once in my life, I stood my ground.

I didn't give in. 

I crossed my arms and shoved my heels in the ground. 

And I felt terrible.

I've been told before that I need to grow a spine  and  get tougher. 

Well here I was, toughness permeating through my veins, a strong spine holding me in place,  and all I ended up feeling  after was horrible. 

In high school I made the Varsity soccer team and was put in the defender position. 

I dreaded every game I played. 

I used to wish that I would get hurt in a game so I wouldn't have to play. 

I felt responsible for every goal that was scored. 

I was told constantly by my coaches that I needed to be more aggressive.

Looking back, I should have done cross country. 

There was also the time my counselor took me outside and told me to scream. 

She said, "Shout as loud as you can. Get mad. Get angry. Get upset".

She waited and I kept silent. 

Now, I do believe that there are times we must fight for our rights, as the Beastie Boys song says. 

There are times we must stand our ground. 

There are times we must be firm. 

But, I do believe there is something beautiful about vulnerability and sensitivity that often gets dismissed or under-recognized in our, " There's No Crying In Baseball" society. 

My flaws, as some would call them, are the very things I am learning to love about myself. 

I love that I care about people and try to not hurt their feelings. 

I love that I cry at sunsets and moons. 

I love that I feel deeply.

I love that I apologize profusely instead of saying nothing. 

I'm not perfect. 

I never will claim to be. 

There are things about myself I despise. 

I gossip.

I tell white lies so I don't hurt feelings. 

I am a pharisee. 

I am a white washed tomb, put together on the outside, full of cracks on the inside. 

And for the longest time, I despised my vulnerability and fragility. 

But not anymore, 

I don't' see them as flaws anymore.

I see them as strengths. 

Maybe the things we think are "flaws" about ourselves are the very things that make us stand out? 

Maybe our "flaws", are the things that others are drawn to?

Maybe, our, "flaws", are actually not, "flaws" at all?

I love the fact that all my friends are so different from one another. 

My strong willed friends remind me to go after what I want.

My spontaneous friends remind me to take risks, be brave, and venture into the unknown from time to time. 

My logical and analytical friends remind me that bills are important and need to be paid. 

I thank God for our differences, and I thank God for them.

Be confident in who you are.

Not who others think you should be. 

Not who you wish you could be. 

Be confident in who you are..now. 

"We are flawed creatures, all of us. Some of us think that means we should fix our flaws. But get rid of my flaws and there would be no one left" -Sarah Vowell

Out of Sight-Out of Mind

Sunday night I shared a blog circulating around the internet entitled, “Why Christians Need to Grow a Pair”.

 

It showed horrific images of Christians, especially children, getting persecuted by the extremist group, ISIS- Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. 
I had seen other articles being posted and shared, but this one was different. It was different in the fact that I took the time to actually read it.
Maybe it was the fact that the man called out Christians and it struck a chord with me?
Honestly, that was probably it.

I usually have trouble reading through the entirety of these sorts of articles.
First off, because I feel helpless.
I don’t know what to do.

I think that’s what many of us feel here in America.

We can’t even begin to know how to help, so we avoid and we ignore. Not everyone, but many of us, myself included.

Far too many times I ask God, “What can I do? I don’t have a lot of money, I don’t have contact over there, what can I do? “

This man hits the nail on the head with this excuse.
You can do something.  
PRAY.
I can pray.

Praying is hard for me and that's ok.
My mind goes off in twenty different directions and I forget what I initially began praying for.
There are times  when I am just tired of praying.
In fact, I gave up on a certain prayer awhile ago because I felt like it was useless. The situation wasn't changing, or so it seemed.

But, what if my family wouldn't have prayed for my recovery? What if they wouldn't have relentlessly asked God to help me fight the addiction? What if my mom's small group stopped praying because it had been nine years and I wasn't getting better, and well, God wasn't coming through?
What if?

Now, I don't know why God answers some prayers and not others. I will never know that answer.
And yet despite not knowing, I am still called to pray.
In fact, I must pray.

At the end of this article, he challenged those who read it to share it on their facebook feed.
My soul started stretching and the excuses started…
“What will my facebook friends, I use the term, “friend” loosely, think of me if I post this? Some of them aren’t Christians? Are they going to think I am crazy? Will some unfriend me?”
Instantly I was reminded of the verse that tells me I must fear God over man.

So, I shared it and no one liked it. I can’t say I was surprised by that, I wouldn’t have liked it either.
But the fact that I had to think about posting it before I did made my heart break.
People overseas are dying for their faith, and I can’t even post a facebook post standing up for them?

I was listening to a sermon while I was running the other day. The pastor was telling the congregation to stop watching news and to stop fearing what is going on overseas.  Something in me got fired up and upset.

Yes, Christians are commanded not to fear.
However, Jesus never once said, “Stay in your bubble”.

Social media and technology allow us to be informed of what is going on all around us. So while I do believe we need to be careful of what we are watching, and how much, I completely disagree with the fact that we should be comfortable with being unaware and uninformed.

If praying is all you can do, pray.

If donating a few dollars is all you can do, donate a few dollars.
If sharing a facebook post to help others become aware of what is going on, share away.

The world can’t afford for you to not do anything.

I have lived with a, “out of sight-out of mind” mentality far too long.

My cross necklace and over used Bible are only accessories until I put action behind them. 

This was a wake-up call for me.
Maybe it will be for you also.

"Help, I'm Locked In My Room and Can't Get Out"

I’ve read books about open doors.

I’ve written songs about closed doors. I've quoted quotes about doors. Such as, “When one door closes, another opens,” or “When one door closes, try the window,” and, “you meet your destiny through closed doors,” and then also, “Until another door opens, praise Him in the hallway”…and so on…

What I haven’t heard a lot of talk on is being locked in a room.

Two years ago I got locked in my room.

Last year I got locked in my boss’s car.
I’d like to think that it actually takes a lot of skill to get into these predicaments.

In both situations, the first thing I did was panic.
I started over-thinking the situation and about the “What if’s?”
What if the condo gets on fire?
What if the car blows up with me in it?
What if something happens to my roommate and I’m stuck in my room for a few days?”

After the panic came the restlessness.

I started cleaning my room. Not in a “Spring Cleaning-listening to Enya-whistle while you work” type of cleaning.
I started emptying out all my drawers, throwing clothes here, piling them over there. It was a disaster zone. A small dog would have been lost under my piles of clothes.

When I was in the car, I started looking through my purse and phone. Taking out all the empty gum wrappers, deleting old text messages and contacts, scrolling through facebook over…over…over…and over.

After the panic and the restlessness came the stillness.

After two large piles of give-away clothes and three piles of trash, I laid down on the bed.

Two hundred facebook posts later, I put the phone away, the radio on, and closed my eyes.

I relaxed. I took a breath in. I let a breath out.

Do you ever feel like you are locked in a room?

 Like Rapunzel, you want to let your hair out and climb out of the window, except there isn’t a window.

A job that we have to keep-because there are mouths to feed, tuitions to be paid,cars that need gas,bills that won't pay themselves. 

Becoming a parent, when it was the last thing you wanted.
Watching a loved one suffer with an addiction, knowing you have done all you could do to help the but that you can't do anymore. 

You are 55 and single. You would love to be married but the right guy or gal hasn't come along yet.  These are just a few that came to mind. 

Everyone’s “room” is different but they all share this in common: They are rooms we have to face and they are rooms we can’t escape.

After the, turning the knob over and over-hoping it will turn, to the paralysis, screaming, shouting (sometimes even at God, often times at God) and then finally the restlessness-doing everything you can do to not make you have to address the situation you are in...

You stop.  
You rest.

I am in a “room” right now. A room I would give anything to get out of.

After I started thinking about this locked room, I realized that there are important and essential things I can, if willing, learn from them.

Trust.

Eventually, my roommate got home and let me out.
Eventually, my boss called me back and told me how to unlock the car door.
Eventually, you will get you out. Maybe not the way you want, or expect,  but you will.

Be Still.

We grow up thinking that inaction is the worst thing in the world.
Gatorade and Nike adds tell us to “do, do, do” but instead, I think we need to learn how to, “be, be, be”.

Being still and silent can help us hear more clearly. Being still helps us listen to ourselves and our God.

I remember going to a counselor last year for panic attacks.  He gave me the oddest yet best advice I have ever received.

He said, “You must welcome the panic”.
Um, come again?
He said, “When you resist it and fight to keep it away, it only makes it worse. The only way to help quiet the panic and anxiety is to embrace it”.

Embrace the stillness.

Hope.

I believed that my roommate would come home, and eventually, she did.
I believed that I would get out of the car, and eventually, I did.

There are some situations we will not escape until Heaven.
I am thinking of a family friend who was just diagnosed with an incurable disease.
It’s terrible, it doesn’t make sense, and I question God, a lot.
Times like these wreck your faith.
I question why God lets bad things happen to good people?
I ask and I expect an answer. More importantly, I feel like I deserve an answer. 

Sometimes God wants us to learn a lesson in the silence. 

And in the midst of the stillness and the tears, I am reminded that He is God and I am not. 
He isn't being mean, though it feels like it.
He isn't being unfair, though circumstances tell otherwise. 

Times like these I must remind myself that my ultimate hope is not in this world, but the next.

You can cry over lost keys.

You can scream and shout over locked doors.

But whatever you do, don't lose hope.

Because one day, all that's wrong will be made right.

And when that time comes,
You won't  need the key,
You can walk right through the door,
Completely unbound, totally free.