Something happened this past weekend, something that has never happened before.
I skipped Starbucks.
My parents were visiting Nashville for my birthday, and my mom asked me to go thru the Starbucks drive thru.
For the first time in my life, I passed on coffee.
It wasn't that I wasn't thirsty, it was because I was throwing a pity-party tantrum.
I was in a funk all day, and could not pull myself out of it.
It all started with discouragement.
It was the, "What if's?" and the, "Why's?"
Why…
am I not married?
Why…
am I still so far behind everyone else financially?
Why….
do I think my dream of songwriting can happen?
Why…
do I still struggle with faith?
What if…
I never get married?
What if…
I never have a job that supports me financially?
What if…
The music doesn't happen?
After these questions buzzed around in my head, I went down a dark spiral of doubt.
Right now, I am neither in the valley, nor on the mountaintop.
Right now, I am in the middle.
I am at the part of my dream where my faith is tested.
I am at the part where everything in me wants to turn around, and get back on dry land.
I am at the part where it physically hurts my heart, and soul to keep holding on to hope.
I think our culture tends to focus a lot on the beginning and the end. The starting point, and the finish line.
When we cross the finish line, crowds chant and cheer, and we are given a shiny medal.
However, during the middle of a race, we receive gatorade and water. Our muscles tells us to stop, and turn around. The mile markers remind us how far we still have yet to go.
The middle part is not fun.
I don't need another cup of gatorade.
I need a shot of courage, and a bucket of faith.
Later on in the evening of my pity party day, my dad asked me if I was ok. My discouragement was visible with my silence and dead stare.
I nodded my head because if I were to answer, I would have sobbed.
It's easier not to talk when you aren't ok.
Later that night, I was able to pull myself out of it, perhaps that was due to the margarita I had at dinner.
I apologized to my parents for my attitude that day.
My circumstance show me that I am jobless, childless, husbandless, and a fool to believe I can make it in songwriting.
Reality tells me to go back to school for my Masters in Counseling.
Reality tells me to find, "normal".
Reality tells me to stop.
Faith tells me to keep going, despite what my circumstances look like.
Faith tells me to continue believing for a publishing deal.
Faith tells me to believe in the impossible.
Sometimes God doesn't open the doors all the way.
Sometimes He makes us embrace the Middle.
The Middle is where we find out just how strong we are.
The Middle is where we learn to fly, or to stay on the ground.
The Middle is where we hold on, or give up.
The Middle is where we find the hero within.
If you are in the middle of your dream, keep going.
Keep believing that there is a reason for your desires and dreams.
Keep believing that you are made for so much more than this world says.
Keep believing that you can, and you will defy the odds.
