Celebrity

Nashville:  The city where 98.8% of people come here for the chance to make music, get discovered and play for thousands of fans.

Almost everyone is a songwriter, a singer, a musician or a hipster.

Moving here has been one of the best choices I have ever made. I have met some incredible and amazing people who have left an imprint on my heart. I have met people who have challenged me to be better and to be kinder.

People pray on the sidewalk.  No one knows a stranger here. People want to help you…just “because”.

Talent is easy to find and hard to beat.

Everyone is great, but not everyone makes it.
I can’t help but wonder if for some, it’s not really the music. I can’t help but wonder if for some, it’s the idea of being a Celebrity.

Now before people start rolling their eyes and cursing my name under their breath, hear me out…

I love when people stop me and compliment my hair or my outfit that day. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I feel noticed. I feel like I matter. I feel important.

Would I love if that happened every day? Yes.
Does it? No.

I can’t help but wonder if the reason so many people want to “make” it is because a part of them just wants to be noticed.

We all have a need to be known, to matter and to make a difference in this world. I can only hope that when my time is through on this earth, people will find something nice to say about me and how I positively impacted them (that is my hope at least).

I think that this is the case with everyone. I just think I notice it more living in Nashville.

We all want to be celebrities in our own little world. But what we forget is that this world isn’t about us. God doesn’t care one bit about the word “famous”. In fact, I think He shudders at it.

I forget this. ALL THE TIME.
I am known. In fact, I was known before I was even born, so were you. He has written my name on the palm of His hand, same with yours.
I have to remind myself this truth every single day.

 The world tries to tell me I am not known until I make X amount of money, fit into X size clothes, have X amount of kids, oh and get married by X age.

Thank goodness Heaven isn’t about “X”s.

I’m not a bitter musician. In fact, I’m not a musician. I am a person who loves poems and believe that words have the power to heal more than anything else.

If you are a painter, paint.
If you are a writer, write.
If you are a singer, sing.
If you a baseball player..make it your life goal to play on the STL Cardinals ;)

Don’t give up because you don’t ever win an award. Don’t give up because you don’t “make it” whatever “make it” means.

And do it because you love doing it. Don’t do it to be known.
You are already known. Isaiah 49:16

Are You Ready to Leave your Bucket at the Well For Jesus?

There was once this girl named Jamie. Jamie desperately wanted to be and feel loved. In middle school, she was a people pleaser because she believed that being good enough would give her love. When that didn’t work, she lost a lot of weight and discovered make-up, making herself more desirable to boys. When boyfriend and a size 0 didn’t work, she thought that being more “Christian” would work. She read the Bible every day, memorized scripture and even enrolled in college for Ministry. When that didn’t work, she was left broken and shattered like a piece of glass that falls to the floor.

I am Jamie in this story and Jamie is a lot of you.

If I can be honest (and if its too honest, well, stop reading), I am worn out. I keep placing these unattainable standards on my life all for the sake of wanting to be loved. If I can just study the Bible enough, I will finally be loved by God. If I do enough for EBTV, I will be loved by God. If I can just not complain and not gossip, He will love me more.

God buzzes in …Wrong answer…False…and puts a Big “X” over my lists

The truth is, there is still a part of me that doesn’t trust Him. Sure, I can give Him my finances. I can give Him my relationships. I can give Him my plans…but, there is still a part of me that won’t let Him love me.  And the other day it hit me right in the face “The well is Deep” John 4:11

There is sadly a part of me that doesn't really believe that He can satisfy the desperate need I have for love.

More than that, do I believe I deserve His love, am I even loveable? I hate writing this. Even more, I hate admitting that there is some truth to this.

“The well is too deep”. I just don’t think you can fix my heart Jesus. I just don’t think you can really be enough for me. I am not sure how I am going to survive if I let you have every single part of my heart because what if you leave. What if I let you in and you hurt me? Even more, what if I let you in and nothing happens…nothing changes?

Memories of rejection burned a piece of my heart that has been the hardest one to patch up.
But Jesus doesn't want to patch it up, He wants to give me a completely new heart... and He can't do that until I let Him in, all of Him.

So, maybe this is where I start. Admitting to God (and myself) that I don’t think I am loveable.

Maybe, instead of trying to earn my love, I sit and I wait ,I rest and I just be.

Maybe this is just part of the process

To start, I let Jesus do what He does best, heart surgery.

The pain, the tears, the burning, the aching…it’s what He has to do in order to replace my heart of stone with a heart of hope.

One day I will be able to leave my water bucket at the well because I will finally see that whatever is inside the well, I won’t even need anymore.

One day I will be able to say 100%, not 98.5%, not even 99.9%, my God is enough for me.  

Check Your Heart...

Jealousy. Pride. Arrogance. Envy.

I have been all four.

I was jealous when my boyfriend in college left me for a friend. 

I was prideful when I thought my looks and weight would get me a job after college. 

I was arrogant when I thought I deserved a better job because I had a college degree.

I was envious just the other day when I saw another proposal posted online.

If we are all brutally honest, I think we all struggle with these 4 ugly, ugly words.

It's very easy for me to go to church, sing the worship songs, raise my hand in agreement with the pastor and smile and hug my friends like everything is ok. Act like nothing is wrong….because this has somehow become the Christian way. 

I think it's a good thing we can't see what one another are really thinking and feeling because we would probably be very taken back if we saw what everyone was really like at times. 

Just the other day I was reading my devotional when it had me turn to 2 Corinthians 13:4…well, I accidentally turned to 1 Corinthians 13:4 (very intentional on God's part) "Love is patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude".

Now I have heard this scripture over and over…weddings…"A Walk to Remember" (only the best movie ever)…but, for the first time, I felt like God was talking right to me. 

"Check your heart Amy"

Being 30 and single is hard. Being 30 years old, still in school, still somewhat lost on what God is leading me to is also very hard. If ever the devil could make me start to doubt God's plan for my life, it would be now. If ever there was a time to start being envious of everyone around me having babies, getting promotions, getting married and so on..it would be now. If ever there was a time to not want to celebrate with my friends victories, it would be now. 

 In the age of social media (where everyone's life is better online..guaranteed) we can become very envious and jealous of others successes. We can look at what everyone has and suddenly feel like we aren't good enough. Maybe it's time to get of Facebook and get into the Word? (just a thought:))

There is something wrong with me when I can't be happy for my friend who just got her dream job. There is  something wrong with my heart when I can't be encouraged when my friend gets promoted. There is something wrong with my heart when I can't be joyful for my friends. 

So, check yourself. How well do you handle others accomplishments? How well do celebrate your friends victories? 

If we are Christians, we are CALLED to do this. 

If I can't be happy for my friends and others, then I don't really believe God is good and I must not really trust His Word when He says in Jeremiah 29:11 "I have a good plan for your life".

So, instead of letting jealousy poke it's little (and ugly) head in my life, I am challenged to really be joyful when good things happen to my friends and others, knowing that God still has a plan for my life…a GOOD plan…and He hasn't forgotten about me...or you. 

If I Only Would Have Waited

Today while I was searching through my old basket of journals and books, I found an earring that had been missing. There was nothing special about this earring. It had no significant value. It was probably one that I bought from Target months ago.

This was the earring I have been searching for for the past two weeks. However, a few days ago I got sick of looking for the missing hoop so I decided to throw the one I had away.

Today, I found the missing piece.

I was so upset with myself. Why did I not look harder? Why did I not hold onto the other earring just a little bit longer? Why..Why..Why?

You can only imagine how I get over things that are of greater value than a $10 pair of earrings…

Immediately after this incident,  I was reminded that this is often my response with God. 

"Ok God, I have waited long enough on that job to come through so I think I will go ahead and take the other one that was already offered to me". "Ok God, I have waited long enough on whoever You want me to be and I just don't think you are going to follow through, so I am just going to settle for someone who I probably shouldn't be with, but who is available". "Ok God, I have waited long enough for You to guide me with my future so I think I am just going to take it into my own hands". 

You see where I am going with this. 

All the while God is saying, "if you only knew what was ahead…if you only knew what amazing plan I have for your life….if you only knew where your decision is going to lead you….if you would have only waited.."

When we can't take the waiting anymore, we go into panic mode and find something to grab onto. We don't like how it feels to have to completely trust God. Trust me,  I know. It feels like you are on a tight rope walking over the Grand Canyon. Anxious, scared, doubtful and terrified of what will happen after each step.

But this is what God requires. 

He requires us to jump off the tight rope and into the canyon of the unknown. 

He wants us to trust Him beyond our comprehension. He wants us to trust Him when it doesn't make sense and when life doesn't look so good. He requires us to trust Him because He is God. 

Countless times I have taken the lead and have gone against God's plan for my life because I have been tired of waiting. 

It feels like I have been abandoned by God and it feels like I have been forgotten. 

It "Feels"...

Feelings lie. 

The truth is that God will never abandon me or anyone else. The truth is that God delays and makes us wait sometimes because He wants to be the One glorified. 

And when it finally happens, when you do receive the job you want, when you do meet that special someone, when the addiction is overcome, when the song gets picked up, when the prodigal daughter or son comes back home, when the marriage is put back together, when the dream comes true….the glory can only be to God. 

I am reminded of something I heard at my church. "There is a God and it isn't me".

Instead of me trying to tell God what to do with my life, why don't I listen to what God is telling me to do with mine.

Right now He is saying "Wait…..Wait…Wait…Wait…and Wait"

If I only would have waited a little longer before throwing away the earring...

Hold on. You never know what God has planned.

He Still Loves You...

Recently, I put up this photo on Facebook and had more likes than any other photo I had put up before. What this showed me was that the majority of people are either at this place now or have been at one time or another...

The place where we feel like we have disappointed God. 

I have been at this place and am currently at this place.

I haven't traveled the world, setting up orphanages, proclaiming His name ( I haven't even been on a missions trip outside the US). I haven't given everything I own away, fully confident He will meet my every need. 

The truth is, I complain over the blessings He has given me. I say the wrong things and fall way more times than I should be willing to admit. 

Not only do I think God is disappointed in me but right now I am a little disappointed in God. 

A part of me hurts every time I see a proposal on Facebook, not because I don't want the person to be happy, but that I would love to be that girl for once. I would love to be the one pursued for once…but God continues to say "wait". 

Ok God, I have done this..and that…and so I think it's time for You to come through on your side..by say, giving me a husband.

Ridiculous. 

God laughs and His heart breaks. 

Some of you may call me a terrible Christian, a hypocrite, a fake….trust me, I have called myself all these things. 

"Tell them I love them". This was what God told Joyce Meyer to preach on and she was like, "are you kidding me? they already know this"

"Tell them I love them". 

If we are honest, I think we all struggle with times when we feel like we are constantly failing God and never measuring up. We can't seem to embrace grace. We are still trying to earn our salvation and God's love. What Jesus did on the cross doesn't seem to make sense in our mind because are still striving for acceptance. 

Perhaps God is taking me to the place of complete emptiness to show me that He is the only ONE that will ever love me the way I long to be loved. 

Why don't I let Him love me? Dissapointment. 

I don't need to be a missionary for Him to call me His. I don't need to be a Christian author or speaker to finally feel accepted by Him. I don't need to be the next Nancy Alcorn for Him to tell me He is proud of me. 

If all I end up to be is a business professional, that is enough. If all I am is a struggling server, that is enough. if all I am is single, that is enough. If all I am is a mom, that is enough. 

Despite knowing this, I still want to prove to Him that I am worthy of His love.

Jesus's blood has made me as worthy as I will ever need to be. 

All Jesus is saying is, "Amy, let me love you".

Here is the truth: 

God isn't holding out from me. He can see the big picture. Just because I haven't gotten married doesn't mean it will never happen.And if for some reason I never do, there is a reason for it. 

 No matter how many times I want to turn my back on God, I just can't. 

God isn't disappointed in me. 

He sees every mistake, ever wrong thought, every wrong motive…but I am still His. 

He doesn't kick me out of Heaven because I go a little off course. 

He looks at me and says, "I will NEVER let you go, not matter how far you run, no matter how many times you try and fail, no matter how far away you feel you are. I will always love you...Simply because you are MINE".

Pizza isn't the Enemy

I remember calling my mom 4 years ago after eating pizza for the first time in a very LONG time.

You see, I thought if ate pizza, I would gain 15 pounds right off the bat. 

Pizza was the enemy and I had to do everything in my power to stay away from it. If I did give in, it meant 2 hours at the gym for the next week or getting rid of it in a not so healthy way. 

So, when I called my mom to tell her I actually had a piece of pizza, she answered me back and said, "Amy, I just prayed in my Moms in touch prayer group that you would enjoy pizza this week". 

Ok, not the most godly prayer you could pray for your child…but that prayer wasn't about the pizza. It was about freedom. It was about not being a slave to every kind of food and being ok with not being in control. 

This past week I have had pizza 4 times. 

And something crazy happened...I survived!

 I didn't gain 15 pounds and I can still fit into my pants. And you know what, I actually liked the way it tasted. But more than that, I liked not obsessing over it. I liked being free to say yes or no to a second piece. For once, I was able to be present and not fast forward to how I would get rid of my dinner. 

Maybe food is an issue with you. Maybe working out is an issue with you. Maybe being super healthy to the point it becomes a obsession is what you are going through. 

Whatever it is, if it causes you to stop enjoying life, it has become a problem. If it causes you to forget about the here and now, it has become a problem. If it causes you to miss out on social activities or hide away in your bedroom all alone, it has become an issue.  If you think a smaller waist will make you more happy, you are terribly mistaken. 

I know it feels like if you miss a work out, you won't survive the night. I know it feels like your world is spiraling out of control after you have a piece of cake. I know it feels like life will be over for you if you give in to carbohydrates….I promise you, you'll survive. 

I'm not saying to go out and eat every unhealthy thing you can get your hands on. That is not what I am saying at all. Moderation is key and eating healthy and exercising is important. 

What I am saying is that you don't have to be afraid of food. 

And if you are, don't worry…it's a process and you'll get there. 

I am still learning as I go..it doesn't happen over night. 

Honestly, I think I just got to a point where I was sick of it. I was sick of food being in control of my life. I was sick of missing out on life. 

The worst thing I could have heard before was "Wow, Amy, you look good and healthy". I wanted, "Wow, you need to eat something". 

But now, I am learning  and accepting that healthy is beautiful. 

The bravest thing I could have done 4 years ago was eat a piece of pizza. 

That sounds crazy to some of you…but to others, you know exactly what I am talking about. 

So be brave and I promise you, it will get easier...and eventually, you may just find yourself enjoying a piece of pizza. 

Whose Voice Are You Listening To?

"How to Make Anyone Like You"

This was the article title on the cover of a magazine my roommate got in the mail the other day. 

The part of me that is the people pleaser wanted to instantly turn to the page and see what this magic secret was. 

Thankfully, I know better now didn't give this article the time of day. 

Looking back on life, I spent far too many moments of my life trying to please people. 

In middle school, I did everything to be accepted by the popular girls because that is who I wanted to be friends with. 

In high school, I did whatever it took to be noticed by the guys. 

In college, I tried to get the best grades so my parents would accept me and love me more. 

After college, I tried to act like the "perfect" Christian so that others would think I was enough. 

Honestly, I wanted to be anyone else but me. 

I didn't think people would accept me…I was either too big,too thin, too loud, too quiet, too smart, not smart enough, too nice, too selfish..the list goes on and on. 

I let every other voice tell me who I "should" be. 

But here is the truth:

Who I am is a child of God and that is all that matters.

Who I am doesn't need approval from anyone other than Christ. 

I have bad hair days. 

I have bad clothes days. 

I doubt sometimes. 

I sometimes trust people too much. 

I make mistakes. 

I fall…I will continue to fall. 

I don't always get it right. 

I am not the perfect Christian (and never will be).

I'm not always the best friend.

I don't have it all figured out. 

 I am still learning who I am.

I have found myself getting so caught up in Facebook "likes", twitter favorites, twitter retweets, …all because I want to be liked…crazy, I know. 

Who am I trying to impress, God or man? 

It is painful for me to say that "man" has been my answer more than I would like to admit. 

So, it's ok if I only get one Facebook like for this..it's really ok if I don't get any Facebook likes for this. 

God made me and He doesn't make mistakes. He gave me the unique personality that He did. He gave me the mind that tends to want concrete answers. He gave me the heart that gets way too emotional. 

So, the challenge for me is to stop trying to be accepted and liked by all people. The challenge for me is to be ok when I am not picked first in line. The challenge for me is to be ok when others don't like what I have to say. The challenge for me is to listen to only One Voice and One Voice alone…Jesus.  

I will only become the person God wants me to become if I let every other voice fade. 

Whose voice are you listening to? 

Galatians 1:10

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? "

Trust Without Boundaries

I didn't plan for last night's service.
Our last song of worship was Hillsong United's Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) . The pastor came out during the beginning of it and spoke about his recent Disney adventure with his son. He talked about how he finally was able to convince his son to sit in the front of the biggest rollercoaster with both hands up the whole way.  When the ride was done, he asked his son how he liked it. His son said not at all and how he didn't like feeling out of control.

Well, I felt tears start forming immediately when he started talking about the trip because I knew where it was going. 

I don't like to admit it much but I am struggling with trust right now.

I feel like God has taken me to a deeper level with Him but this requires much more trust and faith than I  ever anticipated. 

You see, things are going good in my life right now. New opportunities and movements are taking place that I've been praying for for over 12 years. Dreams lost so long ago are starting to be spoken to again. I see Gods fingertips on everything. He has opened up doors with music that I could never in a thousand years open up. 

But last night, I realized I am having a hard time.

I think I was scared to admit that. Scared to really tell Him that I have doubts. 

This is my relationship with God in the past when I think I've got a good thing going: He takes it away. 

Awesome relationship. Over. 

Awesome job. Over.

One door opens. Two doors shut. 

So….I have a hard time really accepting good things when they come along because I know how this story usually ends. 

Now, Romans 8:28 reminds me that He is working for my good and Jeremiah 29:11 tells me that He has a good future for me. So I don't doubt Him taking these appeared to be "good" things away because I know He sees the big picture. 

But last night, something broke in me and I was honest with myself and God. 

I'm not good with blind faith. I hate admitting this, but it's true. I have moments when I feel like I "get it" and other moments when I need to see to believe. I think if we are all honest we are all like this. 

I can't do anything about my future. I can't make the right doors open. I can't pray enough, sing enough and write enough to make anything happen. 

It's all in God's Hands and it always has been.

So I trust and I wait. I cry out to Him when I can't hold on any longer, knowing that He will never leave nor forsake me. 

And if it doesn't go as planned, if things don't work out like I would like, I know He has a reason for it. I may be upset for a little bit, but I know that there is a greater purpose. I will continue to believe that "He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future".

A Leap of Faith And A Big God

It all started in Walmart when I was doing an axe promotion deal. I was passing out coupons when a complete stranger came up to me and changed my world. 

This complete stranger saw something in me that I didn't  allow myself to see. A artist. 

 Not content with just my "ministry" answer to what I was doing in Nashville, this person continued to dig deeper..asking what I wanted to do with my life? Ok....they ask again, "What do your really want to do with your life?".."What are you hiding?"

Long story short, I told this person how I had started songwriting and how music was something I had given up on many years ago. I told them how earlier that morning, I had told God that I was done with the music thing and everything about it. I had quit before...but this time, it was for real. I couldn't write a song…I couldn't sing in front of people…I just couldn't do it anymore. 

Well, turns out this person was in the music industry and wanted to listen to some of the stuff I had written.
I left Walmart stunned and in disbelief. I remember getting in my car, placing my hands on the steering wheel and just crying. Could I really do Ministry plus Music?
I thought back to my prophecy at Mercy Ministries. I thought back to the day on the treadmill when God brought me to my knees. I went back to being a little girl, when music was all I knew.

I can honestly say I would have not even gone to the studio to play what  songs I had if it weren't my friends who pushed me and told me I HAD to do this.
I remember this stranger looking at me straight in the eyes and saying, "it's up to you. You don't get many chances like this. It's up to you".

So I went to the studio...shaking and almost in tears the whole way. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't sing in front of anyone…so how was I supposed to do this. 

But I knew I had to. I knew I had to step out in faith and see what happened.

That was one of the best decisions I ever made. That decision happened to be the day after my 30th birthday. Best birthday gift ever. 

After that meeting, I was set up with a songwriter who wanted to help me with some of my stuff that I already had. 

Fast forward to now…I have the opportunity to demo a song I wrote.

Only God. Only God. Only God.

Only God had me be at Walmart that day, the day that I told him I was quitting songwriting. Only God gave that person the instinct to talk to me. Only God gave me the courage to sing in front of someone. Only God gave me the words for the song . Only God got me through the addiction to write those words. Only God. 

You see, if I wouldn't have gone through hell for the majority of my life, I wouldn't have had the experience to write the words on paper that turned into, "Time to Shine". If I wouldn't have spent hours on the floor crying out to God in the past, I wouldn't have the words to write. If I wouldn't have had the struggle, I wouldn't have the song.

You may think its all coincidence, but I know it's all God. 

Now, the song might not make it. I am not speaking in doubt, I am being realistic. BUT…God has given me a reason to not quit the one thing I know is supposed to be part of my life. 

Even though you think your dream is done, is over and can't ever happen…God sees the big picture. God has the last say. God makes the final call. 

Now I can't say what is to come….God tends to change every direction I start walking (but I am learning to be ok with that). 

Don't ever quit on yourself. If you know you are meant to do something in your heart, do it. Take that leap of faith. Take that step and see where it goes….it may completely blow your mind.

Trust God with your dreams. Sometimes He changes them. Sometimes He helps us get back to them. 

"Trust dreams. Trust your heart, and trust your story" Neil Gaiman

Good Enough for God

I could be the girl in this picture. Countless times I have found myself feeling like I let God down and begging for Him to take me back.

All the times I said "this is the last time" and it wasn't...All the times I didn't guard my heart...All the times I told God I was going to do something and did the exact opposite. All the times I turned my back on God only to run back to Him the very next second. 

We think to ourselves, "if I just stay sober God will love me more" …"if I can just not grab those pills God will love me more"…"If I can just resist that temptation, He will love me more". 

This is a lie. However, I can honestly say I still find myself playing this game.

God doesn't work this way. He doesn't have His clipboard out, marking all the times we mess up and saying, "ok. theres another mistake…oh wait, there's one more."  He doesn't hold our failures against us.
I had the mindset for so long that is I didn't give into the addiction for a certain amount of time, God would bless me with a husband. I believed that if I gave enough money away, God would bless me with a good job. My religion had everything to do with works and nothing to do with grace. 

We don't love and follow God for His blessings. When God does bless His children, He does it so they can bless others. But we don't follow God to get rich, to get the perfect job to find the perfect husband. We follow God because He is our Creator and He deserves our worship.
God isn't looking for individuals who can play the Sunday Church Game the best. He isn't looking for those who have read the Bible 16 times and can quote all of Matthew, but still live under the law. He is looking for those who know that they are absolutely nothing without Him. He isn't looking for perfect, He is looking for real.

Stop beating yourself up over every mistake, every fall, every missed opportunity.
 If you are like me, stop trying to earn grace.
Christ died while we were still sinners. He loves you and I where we are at and in whatever mess we are in. 

God's love is greater than all the mistakes you and I have ever made and will every make. His purpose remains and nothing can change that. 

He loves you (flaws and all) because you are His. 

"I have loved you with an everlasting love" 

Jeremiah 31:3

It's your Time to Shine

"For the Lord will be your confidence" Proverbs 3:28

I told my family I only had two tattoos..I lied. 

Proverbs 3:28 has been tattooed on my heart for many years and continuously reminds me to always be willing to step out in faith (ok, so not the same thing…I know:))

Somewhere in life, I lost my confidence. The shadows and background became the place where I felt most comfortable. I lived my life in the shadows but longed for the sunlight. 

I lost confidence in "who I was" because I didn't think "who I was" was good enough. I didn't think I was smart and athletic enough for my parents. I didn't think I was pretty enough for my friends. I didn't think I was talented enough for music. I didn't think I was Christian enough for God. 

I remember giving up everything because I was told that I was "average". This was the worst thing I could have heard. If I couldn't be "amazing" I resorted to being "nothing". 

When we put our confidence in our looks, our job, our financial situation, our degrees, our relationship status, our number of Facebook friends, our number of twitter followers, the number of hits we have on the radio,our waist size, our home, our kids and how well they have turned out, the car we drive..the list could go on and on, we lose sight of the person who we were created to be. All that stuff is fine, but when we put our confidence in that, we will never measure up. 

I hid in the background because I had my confidence in all the wrong places. 

Only God could find me in the shadows and start pushing me (I kept my heels down for the majority of the push) back into the sunlight. 

He doesn't want His children in the shadows. We were created to be a light to the world. We can't lead others to Him if we continue hiding. 

I began to realize who I was in Him, that I am a child of God, a sister to Christ and who I am will always be enough.

I am at the point in life now where I don't have my heels down when He calls me to step out anymore. Yes, there is the instant "ehhh, I'm not sure I can handle this" moment, but I realize now that it's not about me anymore, it's only about Him. If He calls me to it, He will help me through it. 

4 years ago I would have laughed thinking I would ever be a part of a tv show. Cameras make me faint and the thought of seeing myself on camera would make me run the other way. But we all know that God has the last laugh. 

This week we have started taping the first four episodes of EverythingBeautifulTV.  Who cares if I am not a size 2 on tv? Who cares if I have a break out occasionally? Who cares if my hair is frizzy and looks like Baby from Dirty Dancing? Honestly, WHO CARES? 

The only thing I need to do is be me, a redeemed sinner, fully known and deeply loved by God. 

All the confidence I need to stand in front of the camera, stand in front of a group of people, stand in front of someone to take their food or dink order or even maybe eventually to stand on stage is only found in Him.  All the confidence I'll need to be a wife and to be a mother (whenever that day comes) is in Him

Everyday I acknowledge the fact that I am desperate for Him to take over. I can't do anything apart from Him. There are times when the background is so much more appealing, but that is not where God calls you or I to be. You have everything you need to step out. 

"So hold your head up high, it's your time to shine. From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than Gold" Britt Nicole-Gold

I've Made you to Sing

ENDURE

Endure. This is exactly what I needed to hear this morning. 

Last night, I was close to quitting the one thing that I knew I needed to be doing. Music. 

Many of you who know me know I don't sing in front of people. I am painfully shy in this area. I used to not even open my mouth at church during worship because I didn't want anyone to hear me ( I have gotten a little bit better in this area). 

You would never know that I used to be comfortable on stage and in front of the light. You would never know that in high school, I used to perform in musicals and singing competitions. You would never know that I used to want to pursue music. 

All that changed when the eating disorder took control of my life. I stopped performing. I stopped pursuing music. I stopped singing. In fact, I would not sing a single note in front of people for the next 10 years of my life. 

What I did do the next 10 years was write. 

I started journaling  and writing poems every single day. I didn't talk about what I was feeling, I wrote about it.  

I would give up my car, my apartment and my college degree before I would give away my journals. I never want to get rid of those because I can look back and see how far I have come. 

Two specific things happened that started me thinking about music again. The first thing was a prophecy I received. It was God telling me He was bringing something back out again of me that I had hid and locked away. The second thing was a treadmill experience. Before you start to roll your eyes and think "this girl is crazy" which you may think already…let me remind you of something. God spoke through a burning bush and a donkey..I'm pretty sure He can use anything He wants to speak to us. For me, it was a treadmill. 

I was running and going about my normal routine when TD Jakes came on the station and started preaching on direction and embracing what God has called us to do. I was half heartedly listening when at the end of the program Jakes started praying. The next thing I heard was God telling me, "I've made you to sing". I know 100% this was God. I can't tell you how I know it, but I know it. 

I started shaking and crying because I had not thought about music in such a long time. Shaking turned into crying. Crying turned into sobbing and before I knew it, I was on the floor balling my eyes out to God. 

How would I even do this? Could I even sing again? 

That was the moment I started singing again.That was the moment I started rediscovering my voice. 

 I remember going to a voice teacher and telling her, " I don't know if I can even sing still".  Surprisingly, I still could. 

Fast forward to today. 

I still don't like singing in front of people. For some reason, I feel like if I don't sound like Carrie Underwood or Natalie Grant, I shouldn't sing in public. 

I am slowly gaining confidence in my voice. This is a painful and hard process. Everyday I want to give up. I have quit so many times before…it's just what I normally do. 

So last night I had had it. I was frustrated that I couldn't get the chords I needed on the guitar. I was frustrated that I couldn't come up with the lyrics I wanted. I was tired of practicing and was tired of believing anything could come from this. 

Not that I am not trying to be the next Carrie Underwood, Natalie Grant or even have any sort of record deal. All I want is to be able to sing the words I write. All I want is to be able to get up one day in front of people and sing without fainting. 

I went to bed telling God I was done. I had tried and I had failed.  I was done. 

God wouldn't let me quit and insisted on reminding me of that this morning. 

When I opened my devotional and saw ENDURE, I knew He was speaking to me. "How many of the world's prayers have gone unanswered because my children who prayed did not endure to the end…they thought it was too late and that they must act for themselves, that I was not going to act for them". 

This could mean a hundred different things to a hundred different people. For me, it was God telling me, "Don't give up".

I may not sing in front of people for 5,8 maybe even 10 years. But what matters is I don't give up. 

So I'll continue learning guitar and becoming frustrated. I'll continue taking voice lessons and getting lectured every lesson to have more confidence in my voice. 

Who knows what music has to do in my future? Who knows what God will do with my words and my voice? 

It's not for me to figure out. He has called me to sing….So, that is what I will do. I sing and let Him deal with the rest. 

"Now to Him, who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within us" Ephesians 3:20

When God Calls You Out

I got called out big time by God through today's devotional. 

"Be still, be calm. Wait before Me. Learn of Me, patience, humility, peace. When will you be absolutely unruffled whatever happens? You are slow to learn your lesson. In the rush and work and worry, the very seeking a silence must help. In bustle, so little is accomplished." God Calling-A.J.Russell

Conviction. It hurts. It is embarrassing. It is not fun. 

You see I need a job. In fact, I have needed a job since January. I'm pretty sure I have applied to 200 different places, sent my resume to everyone I know and have asked for help. I am not good at asking for help because there is still a sense of, "I can do this" mentality in me. 

Today I let my anxiety get the best of me. I looked at my bank account and immediately went into default mode. Stressed, panicked and anxious. 

So I did what any person would do...I called my mom. 

She usually offers amazing advice and somehow is able to reassure me that everything will be alright. Well, today was different. No words of encouragement, no "hang in there, somethings coming". She only listened. 

That phone call didn't go as expected.

Finally, I went to place I should have gone first, my devotional and Bible. And there it hit me, straight in the gut, straight to my heart. "You are slow to learn your lesson". 

How many times have I gone around this mountain? Believing that God won't show up and won't provide (even though every single time He does). 

Why is this lesson so hard to learn?

I hate silence, I dislike waiting and I have a hard time being still. But this is what God requires. He tells us to wait, in expectation, for Him to show up. He is our only sense of Peace in this ever-changing, crazy world.

Right now He is telling me to wait, be still and to believe in Him. These really are the worst words you can hear if you are a controlling, self sufficient, works based person. 

So I wait….and I go around this mountain one more time. 

God promises to provide. It's not He may provide, it is He WILL provide.  

I know that there will eventually be a job. Maybe not next week, maybe not even the week after, but there will be one. 

This doesn't mean I don't apply at places and continue to look for something. Maybe it means I give up my Starbucks and Target visits (ok, I know it means those things).
It means I do my part and let Him do the rest. 

God often shows up when I least expect it. It is usually the time I stop looking that He brings something along. You would think I would get the point after 29 years of this. In fact, my life reflects Philippians 4:19. He provided the money when my dog needed heart surgery. He provided Mercy Ministries when I needed help. He provided a place to live in Nashville at the last minute. He provided a church that I love. He provided friends that have changed my life. He even provided a way for me to go back to school.

Maybe this time I will finally learn my lesson. Perhaps this is the last time I will have to go around this mountain. Regardless of what happens, this truth remains: HE WILL PROVIDE.

Relationship Status: It's Complicated

Last week in church, my pastor Pete Wilson asked us each to compare our relationship with God using a Facebook status. Mine is as followed...

In a Relationship: Yes

With Who: God

Relationships Status: "It's Complicated"

"It's Complicated". Very complicated. In fact, it changes on a regular basis. 

Some days are better than others. Some days I can sense God everywhere around me and my faith is steady and firm. Other days, my faith seems to be non existent and I seem to question what I even believe. 

Ephesians 4:14 says "then you will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind". 

Some days…I am a infant. 

It doesn't matter if I read the Bible 100 times a day, listen to worship music 24/7, go to church every Sunday and even get my degree in Ministry. Some days faith it hard. 

Just the other week I was on my knees crying out to God, questioning everything I believed. Does God even exist? Does God even care about my situation? Do I even believe in Jesus? 

I know this seems ridiculous but it's the truth. Just because you are in Ministry does not exempt you from fighting doubt. 

But…if we are all honest, sometimes it's hard to believe. 

It's hard to believe when God doesn't show up. It's hard to believe when we get bad news. It's hard to believe when we always seem to be stuck circling around the same mountain for 10, 20, even 40 years.

Like any single young women who longs to be married before 35, I want a relationship. In fact, since this is all about honesty, I believe I deserve a relationship. 

I can understand why I didn't have one before when I was stuck in the addiction. I was a mess and couldn't handle a relationship. But now, I am free and I am healthy(not to mean that you can't have a relationships if you are fighting a battle. I just knew myself and knew I couldn't have one). 

So why do I remain always the bridesmaid and never the bride? 

What is worse is that I am the only one in my family not married (and soon to probably be the only one without kids). 

God says that He is enough. He is better than any relationship or any guy I could ever find on this Earth. Why will I not let Him be enough? 

So I continue to throw pity parties and ask Him why He has not held up His end of the deal (this imaginary deal I have created in my mind).  

These are the issues that make my relationships complicating with God. When He doesn't appear to be pulling through, I struggle at even opening my Bible. 

But God knows my struggle. God knows my fears and my doubts. He knows my desires and He knows when it is hard for me to have faith that He will come through. He doesn't judge, rather He loves me through it. He knows that at the end of the day, I will always come running back to Him because it is the only place I can go. He knows that I will fall right back into His arms when this life is too much for me to handle. My doubt doesn't bother Him and He can definitely handle my pity parties.

"Where can I flee from your presence.If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, If I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast" (Psalms 138:7-10) 

God knows it can be complicating. 

The Prodigal Daughter

My life has been the exact opposite of what I had hoped for as a child. 

I always wanted the normal, easy and comfortable life. I thought by 30 years old I would be married with two kids, driving an SUV and living comfortably in the suburbs. Instead, I am not married, no kids, no SUV and living in the city. 

The truth is….I don't want the white picket fence home, 2 kids, 1 dog, American Dream life anymore. 

 I grew up in Fort Wayne, Indiana. My dad worked in business and my mom was a first-grade teacher. They always provided for my brother and me and we seemed like the typical middle American family. 

I was happy…until middle school. I began to start comparing myself to my friends. I quickly realized that I was bigger in size than the most of them, not "fat" but definitely "chubby". For the first time, I felt different and inadequate. 

This led to an extreme diet on which I lost 20 pounds in 1 month. Being thin was my drug. It made me feel important, I was noticed, guys thought I was pretty for the first time in my life and I was hooked. 

I vowed to do whatever it took to stay skinny. This mindset turned into Anorexia which then turned into Bulimia. 

I had to eat because my parents started watching my weight and food intake. In order to not gain weight, I would purge everything I put into my body. 

This obsession to stay small ruled every area of my life. I stopped going out with friends, I became full of anger and hate towards everyone that loved me, and I quickly lost all hope for my life. 

The funny thing about eating disorders is that they have nothing to do with food. I was struggling not from wanting to be skinny but from a need for acceptance and love. I learned at an early age that being attractive matters in this world. I believed the lie that being thin was an identity. 

I was exhausted. This addiction followed me wherever I went. Middle school into high school and then through college. Countless therapists and treatment centers only taught me how to beat the system. I was a pro at recovery tactics and I knew every trick in the books. 

The truth was, I didn't want to get rid of my addiction. I wanted help but I wasn't willing to give up the only thing which gave me a sense of control. The effects of bulimia cost me my job, caused me to crash my car, wasted thousands of dollars on food and cost my parents thousands of money for treatments that didn't work. But that still wasn't enough. It wasn't until my life hit rock bottom that I realized I was going to die if I didn't fight to break free from this addiction…and a fight was what it was going to take. 

I was 24, living at home, jobless despite having a degree, severely underweight, depressed and holding on only by a thread. I remember going on a walk with my mom one day when she said something that cut through to my cold heart. 

She said, "Amy, I would give up my life if that meant that you could be free." 

I hadn't cried in 9 years and after that walk, I felt tears start to gather in my eyes. 

For the first time, I realized that this addiction was not only ruining my life, it was ruining other's lives as well. 

I wish I could say that that conversation was enough for me to get serious about recovery, but it didn't. 

After an intense binge purge episode I saw my life flash before my eyes. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel my arms, I couldn't feel anything. I was dying and I didn't know how to stop it. I cried out to God for the first time in a long time. I screamed at Him and asked Him why He let me get to this point. Why didn't He stop it? Why didn't He deliver me? I was both fuming and brokenhearted that this addiction took my life. I remember thinking that I hadn't helped any young girls like I wanted to do. I didn't want to die. 

In the midst of my screaming, I heard God say in the loudest/softest voice, "Pray."

I already thought I was dead but I got down on my hands and knees anyway and cried out to Him. I told Him I was sorry.

A beautiful thing happened that night. I didn't die. God kept me alive and He gave me a new hope I had not had in a long time. I knew that the road to recovery was going to be long but I was ready to fight with everything  I had for my life. 

Shortly after that night, I applied to and was accepted by Mercy Ministries (a Christian treatment center) and was on my way to a long road of healing. 

The road has not been easy. I have failed as many times as I have succeeded. But it has gotten easier and I have realized that the best way to get over it is to go through it. I had to confront feelings and emotions that I had not felt in 10 years. The process has been slow but worth it. 

Last year I moved to Nashville to start school at Belmont for a degree in Ministry.

God never gave up on me, even when I hated Him and even when I wanted nothing to do with Him. He had His hand on my life the whole time and refused to let go. He answered my prayer for freedom, not in the way I expected, rather in the way that was necessary for permanent change.