Trust Without Boundaries

I didn't plan for last night's service.
Our last song of worship was Hillsong United's Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) . The pastor came out during the beginning of it and spoke about his recent Disney adventure with his son. He talked about how he finally was able to convince his son to sit in the front of the biggest rollercoaster with both hands up the whole way.  When the ride was done, he asked his son how he liked it. His son said not at all and how he didn't like feeling out of control.

Well, I felt tears start forming immediately when he started talking about the trip because I knew where it was going. 

I don't like to admit it much but I am struggling with trust right now.

I feel like God has taken me to a deeper level with Him but this requires much more trust and faith than I  ever anticipated. 

You see, things are going good in my life right now. New opportunities and movements are taking place that I've been praying for for over 12 years. Dreams lost so long ago are starting to be spoken to again. I see Gods fingertips on everything. He has opened up doors with music that I could never in a thousand years open up. 

But last night, I realized I am having a hard time.

I think I was scared to admit that. Scared to really tell Him that I have doubts. 

This is my relationship with God in the past when I think I've got a good thing going: He takes it away. 

Awesome relationship. Over. 

Awesome job. Over.

One door opens. Two doors shut. 

So….I have a hard time really accepting good things when they come along because I know how this story usually ends. 

Now, Romans 8:28 reminds me that He is working for my good and Jeremiah 29:11 tells me that He has a good future for me. So I don't doubt Him taking these appeared to be "good" things away because I know He sees the big picture. 

But last night, something broke in me and I was honest with myself and God. 

I'm not good with blind faith. I hate admitting this, but it's true. I have moments when I feel like I "get it" and other moments when I need to see to believe. I think if we are all honest we are all like this. 

I can't do anything about my future. I can't make the right doors open. I can't pray enough, sing enough and write enough to make anything happen. 

It's all in God's Hands and it always has been.

So I trust and I wait. I cry out to Him when I can't hold on any longer, knowing that He will never leave nor forsake me. 

And if it doesn't go as planned, if things don't work out like I would like, I know He has a reason for it. I may be upset for a little bit, but I know that there is a greater purpose. I will continue to believe that "He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future".