The Courage to Quit

I didn't plan on quitting my job this week. 

If you have spent any amount of time with me, you know that I am not a number person. 

And for the past year and a half, I have somehow managed to fit my right brain into a left brain job. 

Until today. 

Yesterday, I started training for a new position. This new position gave me a office, a office with a door I might add, and much more responsibility. 

8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, I would be staring at my computer screen, entering numbers, and looking at rates. 

Last night, after the only one day of training, I had a panic attack. 

In fact, I had the worst panic attack I have had in a long time. 

I knew something was wrong when I suddenly dropped the glass I was holding, and started shaking uncontrollably. 

I called my my mom, and my aunt, crying hysterically, while rocking back and forth on my bed. 

"Please, just talk to me. Tell my I'm going to be alright," I cried.

"Please, just tell me I am not going to die," I cried. 

If you have never had a panic attack, it feels like a million years of doom. It feels as if I am stuck in a groundhog-day of hopelessness, and intense fear. 

It feels like hell. 

I wasn't going to get this honest, but I believe that only through honesty, can we find healing. 

Not only did I have a panic attack last night, but I also retreated back to the demon of bulimia. 

It was the worst night I have had in a long time. 

And after the panic left, the fear subsided, and grace washed over me,  I knew I had to quit.

I didn't sleep much last night, because I knew what awaited me in the morning. 

Even as I drove to work this morning, I kept trying to convince myself of all the reasons I shouldn't quit. 

1.) It's a paycheck

2.) It's a paycheck

3.) It's a paycheck

It all came down to a paycheck.

I realized I was trusting in money, rather than my God.

After I told my boss I wasn't going to accept the position, I said my goodbyes to fellow co-workers/friends, and walked out of the office carrying the flowers that my friend had sent me last week. 

As I was driving down I-65 South, I braced myself for the tears. 

But, surprisingly, they didn't come. 

What came was a poem. 

Sometimes it takes more courage to quit, than stay. 

Nothing, no job, no amount of money, no person, is worth that amount of anxiety. 

Nothing is worth falling back into the hell of bulimia for. 

Where to go from here? 

I don't know. 

What I do know, is that everything will be ok. 

I know I have a God who cares for me, Who knows the exact amount of hairs I have on my over-bleached, over-processed blonde head. He knows my talents,  and He knows my desires. He knew I was going to quit even before I did. 

Right now, the question, isn't what am I going to do?

Right now, the question, is will I trust Him or not? 

"Brighter Days"

Put my two weeks in

At work today

Grabbed my flowers

Quickly walked away

Didn't turn around

Or look behind

No second guesses

If my choice was right

Let go and let in

A new kind of free

Time to take a chance

On my destiny

Sometimes quitting

Is the only way

And some goodbyes

Lead to brighter days

Leaving all you know

for whats beyond

Cause you can't stay

Where you don't belong

Not sure what to do

Or where I'll go

Leave it up to life

To give me a clue

Breathe out and in 

A new kind of free

 Take a chance

On my destiny

Sometimes quitting

Is the only way

Some goodbyes 

Lead to brighter days

The unknown screams

Like stormy clouds

But only after the rain

Can a rainbow be found