He Still Loves You...

Recently, I put up this photo on Facebook and had more likes than any other photo I had put up before. What this showed me was that the majority of people are either at this place now or have been at one time or another...

The place where we feel like we have disappointed God. 

I have been at this place and am currently at this place.

I haven't traveled the world, setting up orphanages, proclaiming His name ( I haven't even been on a missions trip outside the US). I haven't given everything I own away, fully confident He will meet my every need. 

The truth is, I complain over the blessings He has given me. I say the wrong things and fall way more times than I should be willing to admit. 

Not only do I think God is disappointed in me but right now I am a little disappointed in God. 

A part of me hurts every time I see a proposal on Facebook, not because I don't want the person to be happy, but that I would love to be that girl for once. I would love to be the one pursued for once…but God continues to say "wait". 

Ok God, I have done this..and that…and so I think it's time for You to come through on your side..by say, giving me a husband.

Ridiculous. 

God laughs and His heart breaks. 

Some of you may call me a terrible Christian, a hypocrite, a fake….trust me, I have called myself all these things. 

"Tell them I love them". This was what God told Joyce Meyer to preach on and she was like, "are you kidding me? they already know this"

"Tell them I love them". 

If we are honest, I think we all struggle with times when we feel like we are constantly failing God and never measuring up. We can't seem to embrace grace. We are still trying to earn our salvation and God's love. What Jesus did on the cross doesn't seem to make sense in our mind because are still striving for acceptance. 

Perhaps God is taking me to the place of complete emptiness to show me that He is the only ONE that will ever love me the way I long to be loved. 

Why don't I let Him love me? Dissapointment. 

I don't need to be a missionary for Him to call me His. I don't need to be a Christian author or speaker to finally feel accepted by Him. I don't need to be the next Nancy Alcorn for Him to tell me He is proud of me. 

If all I end up to be is a business professional, that is enough. If all I am is a struggling server, that is enough. if all I am is single, that is enough. If all I am is a mom, that is enough. 

Despite knowing this, I still want to prove to Him that I am worthy of His love.

Jesus's blood has made me as worthy as I will ever need to be. 

All Jesus is saying is, "Amy, let me love you".

Here is the truth: 

God isn't holding out from me. He can see the big picture. Just because I haven't gotten married doesn't mean it will never happen.And if for some reason I never do, there is a reason for it. 

 No matter how many times I want to turn my back on God, I just can't. 

God isn't disappointed in me. 

He sees every mistake, ever wrong thought, every wrong motive…but I am still His. 

He doesn't kick me out of Heaven because I go a little off course. 

He looks at me and says, "I will NEVER let you go, not matter how far you run, no matter how many times you try and fail, no matter how far away you feel you are. I will always love you...Simply because you are MINE".

Pizza isn't the Enemy

I remember calling my mom 4 years ago after eating pizza for the first time in a very LONG time.

You see, I thought if ate pizza, I would gain 15 pounds right off the bat. 

Pizza was the enemy and I had to do everything in my power to stay away from it. If I did give in, it meant 2 hours at the gym for the next week or getting rid of it in a not so healthy way. 

So, when I called my mom to tell her I actually had a piece of pizza, she answered me back and said, "Amy, I just prayed in my Moms in touch prayer group that you would enjoy pizza this week". 

Ok, not the most godly prayer you could pray for your child…but that prayer wasn't about the pizza. It was about freedom. It was about not being a slave to every kind of food and being ok with not being in control. 

This past week I have had pizza 4 times. 

And something crazy happened...I survived!

 I didn't gain 15 pounds and I can still fit into my pants. And you know what, I actually liked the way it tasted. But more than that, I liked not obsessing over it. I liked being free to say yes or no to a second piece. For once, I was able to be present and not fast forward to how I would get rid of my dinner. 

Maybe food is an issue with you. Maybe working out is an issue with you. Maybe being super healthy to the point it becomes a obsession is what you are going through. 

Whatever it is, if it causes you to stop enjoying life, it has become a problem. If it causes you to forget about the here and now, it has become a problem. If it causes you to miss out on social activities or hide away in your bedroom all alone, it has become an issue.  If you think a smaller waist will make you more happy, you are terribly mistaken. 

I know it feels like if you miss a work out, you won't survive the night. I know it feels like your world is spiraling out of control after you have a piece of cake. I know it feels like life will be over for you if you give in to carbohydrates….I promise you, you'll survive. 

I'm not saying to go out and eat every unhealthy thing you can get your hands on. That is not what I am saying at all. Moderation is key and eating healthy and exercising is important. 

What I am saying is that you don't have to be afraid of food. 

And if you are, don't worry…it's a process and you'll get there. 

I am still learning as I go..it doesn't happen over night. 

Honestly, I think I just got to a point where I was sick of it. I was sick of food being in control of my life. I was sick of missing out on life. 

The worst thing I could have heard before was "Wow, Amy, you look good and healthy". I wanted, "Wow, you need to eat something". 

But now, I am learning  and accepting that healthy is beautiful. 

The bravest thing I could have done 4 years ago was eat a piece of pizza. 

That sounds crazy to some of you…but to others, you know exactly what I am talking about. 

So be brave and I promise you, it will get easier...and eventually, you may just find yourself enjoying a piece of pizza. 

Whose Voice Are You Listening To?

"How to Make Anyone Like You"

This was the article title on the cover of a magazine my roommate got in the mail the other day. 

The part of me that is the people pleaser wanted to instantly turn to the page and see what this magic secret was. 

Thankfully, I know better now didn't give this article the time of day. 

Looking back on life, I spent far too many moments of my life trying to please people. 

In middle school, I did everything to be accepted by the popular girls because that is who I wanted to be friends with. 

In high school, I did whatever it took to be noticed by the guys. 

In college, I tried to get the best grades so my parents would accept me and love me more. 

After college, I tried to act like the "perfect" Christian so that others would think I was enough. 

Honestly, I wanted to be anyone else but me. 

I didn't think people would accept me…I was either too big,too thin, too loud, too quiet, too smart, not smart enough, too nice, too selfish..the list goes on and on. 

I let every other voice tell me who I "should" be. 

But here is the truth:

Who I am is a child of God and that is all that matters.

Who I am doesn't need approval from anyone other than Christ. 

I have bad hair days. 

I have bad clothes days. 

I doubt sometimes. 

I sometimes trust people too much. 

I make mistakes. 

I fall…I will continue to fall. 

I don't always get it right. 

I am not the perfect Christian (and never will be).

I'm not always the best friend.

I don't have it all figured out. 

 I am still learning who I am.

I have found myself getting so caught up in Facebook "likes", twitter favorites, twitter retweets, …all because I want to be liked…crazy, I know. 

Who am I trying to impress, God or man? 

It is painful for me to say that "man" has been my answer more than I would like to admit. 

So, it's ok if I only get one Facebook like for this..it's really ok if I don't get any Facebook likes for this. 

God made me and He doesn't make mistakes. He gave me the unique personality that He did. He gave me the mind that tends to want concrete answers. He gave me the heart that gets way too emotional. 

So, the challenge for me is to stop trying to be accepted and liked by all people. The challenge for me is to be ok when I am not picked first in line. The challenge for me is to be ok when others don't like what I have to say. The challenge for me is to listen to only One Voice and One Voice alone…Jesus.  

I will only become the person God wants me to become if I let every other voice fade. 

Whose voice are you listening to? 

Galatians 1:10

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? "

Trust Without Boundaries

I didn't plan for last night's service.
Our last song of worship was Hillsong United's Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) . The pastor came out during the beginning of it and spoke about his recent Disney adventure with his son. He talked about how he finally was able to convince his son to sit in the front of the biggest rollercoaster with both hands up the whole way.  When the ride was done, he asked his son how he liked it. His son said not at all and how he didn't like feeling out of control.

Well, I felt tears start forming immediately when he started talking about the trip because I knew where it was going. 

I don't like to admit it much but I am struggling with trust right now.

I feel like God has taken me to a deeper level with Him but this requires much more trust and faith than I  ever anticipated. 

You see, things are going good in my life right now. New opportunities and movements are taking place that I've been praying for for over 12 years. Dreams lost so long ago are starting to be spoken to again. I see Gods fingertips on everything. He has opened up doors with music that I could never in a thousand years open up. 

But last night, I realized I am having a hard time.

I think I was scared to admit that. Scared to really tell Him that I have doubts. 

This is my relationship with God in the past when I think I've got a good thing going: He takes it away. 

Awesome relationship. Over. 

Awesome job. Over.

One door opens. Two doors shut. 

So….I have a hard time really accepting good things when they come along because I know how this story usually ends. 

Now, Romans 8:28 reminds me that He is working for my good and Jeremiah 29:11 tells me that He has a good future for me. So I don't doubt Him taking these appeared to be "good" things away because I know He sees the big picture. 

But last night, something broke in me and I was honest with myself and God. 

I'm not good with blind faith. I hate admitting this, but it's true. I have moments when I feel like I "get it" and other moments when I need to see to believe. I think if we are all honest we are all like this. 

I can't do anything about my future. I can't make the right doors open. I can't pray enough, sing enough and write enough to make anything happen. 

It's all in God's Hands and it always has been.

So I trust and I wait. I cry out to Him when I can't hold on any longer, knowing that He will never leave nor forsake me. 

And if it doesn't go as planned, if things don't work out like I would like, I know He has a reason for it. I may be upset for a little bit, but I know that there is a greater purpose. I will continue to believe that "He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future".

A Leap of Faith And A Big God

It all started in Walmart when I was doing an axe promotion deal. I was passing out coupons when a complete stranger came up to me and changed my world. 

This complete stranger saw something in me that I didn't  allow myself to see. A artist. 

 Not content with just my "ministry" answer to what I was doing in Nashville, this person continued to dig deeper..asking what I wanted to do with my life? Ok....they ask again, "What do your really want to do with your life?".."What are you hiding?"

Long story short, I told this person how I had started songwriting and how music was something I had given up on many years ago. I told them how earlier that morning, I had told God that I was done with the music thing and everything about it. I had quit before...but this time, it was for real. I couldn't write a song…I couldn't sing in front of people…I just couldn't do it anymore. 

Well, turns out this person was in the music industry and wanted to listen to some of the stuff I had written.
I left Walmart stunned and in disbelief. I remember getting in my car, placing my hands on the steering wheel and just crying. Could I really do Ministry plus Music?
I thought back to my prophecy at Mercy Ministries. I thought back to the day on the treadmill when God brought me to my knees. I went back to being a little girl, when music was all I knew.

I can honestly say I would have not even gone to the studio to play what  songs I had if it weren't my friends who pushed me and told me I HAD to do this.
I remember this stranger looking at me straight in the eyes and saying, "it's up to you. You don't get many chances like this. It's up to you".

So I went to the studio...shaking and almost in tears the whole way. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't sing in front of anyone…so how was I supposed to do this. 

But I knew I had to. I knew I had to step out in faith and see what happened.

That was one of the best decisions I ever made. That decision happened to be the day after my 30th birthday. Best birthday gift ever. 

After that meeting, I was set up with a songwriter who wanted to help me with some of my stuff that I already had. 

Fast forward to now…I have the opportunity to demo a song I wrote.

Only God. Only God. Only God.

Only God had me be at Walmart that day, the day that I told him I was quitting songwriting. Only God gave that person the instinct to talk to me. Only God gave me the courage to sing in front of someone. Only God gave me the words for the song . Only God got me through the addiction to write those words. Only God. 

You see, if I wouldn't have gone through hell for the majority of my life, I wouldn't have had the experience to write the words on paper that turned into, "Time to Shine". If I wouldn't have spent hours on the floor crying out to God in the past, I wouldn't have the words to write. If I wouldn't have had the struggle, I wouldn't have the song.

You may think its all coincidence, but I know it's all God. 

Now, the song might not make it. I am not speaking in doubt, I am being realistic. BUT…God has given me a reason to not quit the one thing I know is supposed to be part of my life. 

Even though you think your dream is done, is over and can't ever happen…God sees the big picture. God has the last say. God makes the final call. 

Now I can't say what is to come….God tends to change every direction I start walking (but I am learning to be ok with that). 

Don't ever quit on yourself. If you know you are meant to do something in your heart, do it. Take that leap of faith. Take that step and see where it goes….it may completely blow your mind.

Trust God with your dreams. Sometimes He changes them. Sometimes He helps us get back to them. 

"Trust dreams. Trust your heart, and trust your story" Neil Gaiman

Good Enough for God

I could be the girl in this picture. Countless times I have found myself feeling like I let God down and begging for Him to take me back.

All the times I said "this is the last time" and it wasn't...All the times I didn't guard my heart...All the times I told God I was going to do something and did the exact opposite. All the times I turned my back on God only to run back to Him the very next second. 

We think to ourselves, "if I just stay sober God will love me more" …"if I can just not grab those pills God will love me more"…"If I can just resist that temptation, He will love me more". 

This is a lie. However, I can honestly say I still find myself playing this game.

God doesn't work this way. He doesn't have His clipboard out, marking all the times we mess up and saying, "ok. theres another mistake…oh wait, there's one more."  He doesn't hold our failures against us.
I had the mindset for so long that is I didn't give into the addiction for a certain amount of time, God would bless me with a husband. I believed that if I gave enough money away, God would bless me with a good job. My religion had everything to do with works and nothing to do with grace. 

We don't love and follow God for His blessings. When God does bless His children, He does it so they can bless others. But we don't follow God to get rich, to get the perfect job to find the perfect husband. We follow God because He is our Creator and He deserves our worship.
God isn't looking for individuals who can play the Sunday Church Game the best. He isn't looking for those who have read the Bible 16 times and can quote all of Matthew, but still live under the law. He is looking for those who know that they are absolutely nothing without Him. He isn't looking for perfect, He is looking for real.

Stop beating yourself up over every mistake, every fall, every missed opportunity.
 If you are like me, stop trying to earn grace.
Christ died while we were still sinners. He loves you and I where we are at and in whatever mess we are in. 

God's love is greater than all the mistakes you and I have ever made and will every make. His purpose remains and nothing can change that. 

He loves you (flaws and all) because you are His. 

"I have loved you with an everlasting love" 

Jeremiah 31:3

It's your Time to Shine

"For the Lord will be your confidence" Proverbs 3:28

I told my family I only had two tattoos..I lied. 

Proverbs 3:28 has been tattooed on my heart for many years and continuously reminds me to always be willing to step out in faith (ok, so not the same thing…I know:))

Somewhere in life, I lost my confidence. The shadows and background became the place where I felt most comfortable. I lived my life in the shadows but longed for the sunlight. 

I lost confidence in "who I was" because I didn't think "who I was" was good enough. I didn't think I was smart and athletic enough for my parents. I didn't think I was pretty enough for my friends. I didn't think I was talented enough for music. I didn't think I was Christian enough for God. 

I remember giving up everything because I was told that I was "average". This was the worst thing I could have heard. If I couldn't be "amazing" I resorted to being "nothing". 

When we put our confidence in our looks, our job, our financial situation, our degrees, our relationship status, our number of Facebook friends, our number of twitter followers, the number of hits we have on the radio,our waist size, our home, our kids and how well they have turned out, the car we drive..the list could go on and on, we lose sight of the person who we were created to be. All that stuff is fine, but when we put our confidence in that, we will never measure up. 

I hid in the background because I had my confidence in all the wrong places. 

Only God could find me in the shadows and start pushing me (I kept my heels down for the majority of the push) back into the sunlight. 

He doesn't want His children in the shadows. We were created to be a light to the world. We can't lead others to Him if we continue hiding. 

I began to realize who I was in Him, that I am a child of God, a sister to Christ and who I am will always be enough.

I am at the point in life now where I don't have my heels down when He calls me to step out anymore. Yes, there is the instant "ehhh, I'm not sure I can handle this" moment, but I realize now that it's not about me anymore, it's only about Him. If He calls me to it, He will help me through it. 

4 years ago I would have laughed thinking I would ever be a part of a tv show. Cameras make me faint and the thought of seeing myself on camera would make me run the other way. But we all know that God has the last laugh. 

This week we have started taping the first four episodes of EverythingBeautifulTV.  Who cares if I am not a size 2 on tv? Who cares if I have a break out occasionally? Who cares if my hair is frizzy and looks like Baby from Dirty Dancing? Honestly, WHO CARES? 

The only thing I need to do is be me, a redeemed sinner, fully known and deeply loved by God. 

All the confidence I need to stand in front of the camera, stand in front of a group of people, stand in front of someone to take their food or dink order or even maybe eventually to stand on stage is only found in Him.  All the confidence I'll need to be a wife and to be a mother (whenever that day comes) is in Him

Everyday I acknowledge the fact that I am desperate for Him to take over. I can't do anything apart from Him. There are times when the background is so much more appealing, but that is not where God calls you or I to be. You have everything you need to step out. 

"So hold your head up high, it's your time to shine. From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than Gold" Britt Nicole-Gold