Fight Like Hell

I am a bit of a hypochondriac.

That’s an understatement.
I am a huge hypochondriac.

If I wake up with a cough, I believe I have H1N1.

If I wake up with side pains, I think that I have a kidney infection.
If I wake up with a rash, I think I got bit by a brown recluse.
If I wake up with swollen hands, I think I am about to have a stroke.

I went to the Dermatologist awhile ago because I thought I had found a cancerous spot on my skin.

I will never forget the doctor coming back into my room, taking of her glasses, and very seriously telling me, “You do not have cancer, you have an age spot.”

I am also a bit of a pill fanatic.

If life could be fixed by every kind of pill, sign me up.

The other week I was really struggling with anxiety, and starting to have panic attacks again.

I made a doctor’s appointment, in hopes that she or he would give me a pill to help with the stress.
Sadly, she didn’t.

When I told my friend about my appointment, she looked at me, dead in the eyes, and asked, “What are you scared of?”

To which I replied with long silence, and then answered, “Everything. I am scared of my future. I am scared of dying. I am scared of being alone. I am scared of songwriting. I am scared of not songwriting. I am scared of my life.”

The truth is that I am really struggling to find peace right now.

Oh, but you wouldn’t know that from the outside.
Behind the bangs, big hair, eyeliner, and heels, is a quivering child, scared of what the next step holds.

With this lack of peace, comes incredible discouragement.

Lately, it’s been easier to side with the enemy, believing the lies that he constantly sends me.

Lies such as, “You will never get married. You aren’t pretty. You will end up alone. You are a really bad Christian. You will never make it in songwriting.”
Over and over, he feeds me this crap, pardon my crudeness and bluntness.
And instead of fighting his lies with truth, I let him continue.

And then, last night, I saw it.
Someone had posted this quote on facebook, “If you saw the size of the blessing coming, you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting.”

And at 11:15 last night, I wrote, “Think about it: Would the struggle and the fight be so strong if there was nothing worth keeping hidden?  Why would the enemy bother with something that didn’t matter? Amy, (because I write my first name when I am having a very serious conversation with myself), you are going to have to fight harder than you have ever had to fight…you are going to have to fight like hell, but, God will get you through.”

The truth is, I am tired of fighting.

Learning to not discard of anything that had calories in it has been exhausting.
Learning to eat carbohydrates again has been draining.
Learning to not pinch my stomach every morning, measuring the amount of fat I can gather, has been difficult.
I can’t tell you how many times I have cried myself to sleep, praying to Jesus to instantly heal me from this obsession with food and control.

Despite the strides I have made with recovery, holding down a full-time job, and holding down food, the battle continues.

Fighting for my future and my destiny is harder than I had ever imagined.
Those that think that you can just read a scripture, pray a prayer of freedom, and poof, everything is fixed…not so much.
Maybe for some it has worked that way, but not me.

For so long, I have quoted Exodus 14:14, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.”

What I have not quoted, is the time God tells Abraham, “Go.”
What I have not quoted, is the time God tells Moses, “Raise your staff and stretch out your hand.”

 God always fights for us, but sometimes, He requires us to join Him.

The enemy knows we each have incredible potential.

The enemy knows what can happen if we believe in ourselves and our dreams.
The enemy knows how powerful we really are.
Because the enemy knows our future is worth fighting for, he will use every means possible to keep us buried in fear and regret, shame and self-doubt.

I have only begun to start the climb.

And I am going to have to fight like hell to reach the mountain top.

BUT, and this “but” changes everything, I am not going to be fighting alone. I will be fighting with the Creator of Life, the All-Powerful God, The Author of my life, and your life, The One Who performs the impossible, the One Who will not fail me, or you.

Maybe you are like me, and cry yourself to sleep some nights, because you know your life can be so much more, because you know you are made for more.
Maybe you are like me, scared to step out into the unknown, scared to see what the future lies.

Maybe you are like me, comfortable with predictable, but created for adventure.
Maybe like me, you are scared of your own potential.
Maybe you are like me, and need to start fighting like hell.