Don't Just Call Me Beautiful

The other night, I found myself in downtown Nashville, on Broadway.

As I sat on the window sill at one of the bars, I started people watching. 

I watched bachelor parties play pool, bachelorette parties dance, guys hit on girls, and girls flirt with guys. 

I watched people who had a little bit too much to drink, to those who ordered water. 

I also observed my stunningly gorgeous friend get hit on by almost every guy in the bar. 

It didn't take long until I was wishing I was anyone else but me, and anywhere else but there. 

I felt invisible. 

I felt undesirable. 

The conversation running through my head was as followed, "You've gained weight, so, you aren't beautiful anymore……Your outfit makes you look fat…You are ugly."

That night, it was as if I had retreated back to old, but familiar years. 

However, instead of ordering 3 pizzas and 4 hamburgers, I ordered nothing. 

Instead, I wrote in my iphone notes, "God, I just feel so ugly, so, so ugly."

As I held the phone in my hands, I heard myself say,"Don't call me beautiful."

It wasn't with a degrading, insulting, or self-defeating voice. 

Rather, it was a voice of confidence, grace and assurance. 

Don't call me beautiful, call me talented. 

Don't call me beautiful, call me honest. 

Don't call me beautiful, call me real. 

You see, on Saturday night, I realized that the thing I have desired and strived for most in my life, is the very thing that has taken away everything that makes me, me.

While I have been obsessed with my wrinkles,  recovery, and being a, "good" Christian, I have hidden the parts of me that don't always fit into a nice, put together, Sunday-morning box. 

I love Jesus, but I don't always love myself. 

And somedays are worse than others. 

Just before I wrote this, my sister-in-law called me, and told me how my niece had won a Library contest for her drawing on a book mark. It was her talent, her gifting, that was noticed, not her beauty. 

Like everyone else, I have told both my nieces they are beautiful, over, and over, and over, in hopes that they never go down the road I went down. 

However, the only way they will not be tempted to question their worth and appearance, is if they can appreciate their unique skills, personality, and gifts. 

Hear me out when I say that calling someone beautiful is not bad.

That was not the intention of writing this. 

There is just so much more to a person than their looks. 

If all you call someone is beautiful, they will enter into a race that they will never be able to win. 

Don't call me beautiful. 

Call me lovely. 

Call me sensitive. 

Call me deep. 

Call me different. 

Call me relentless. 

But please, don't just call me beautiful.